Thawing and Healing Winter
by MysteryFan15
Summary: The Winter Soldier attempts to punish H.Y.D.R.A. and regain lost memories. Pushed to his breaking point by his own guilt and trauma, he turns himself over to newly formed S.H.I.E.L.D. But Captain America doesn't leave a friend behind and despite well-meaning critics, he is determine to stand with Bucky till the end of the line. No slash, lots of friendship and support.
1. Chapter 1

Every muscle, every bone in his body aches as he makes his way to shore slowly treading water. His right arm, dislocated and practically useless, does little to propel him forward. The body of Captain America is heavy on his back. Everything is fuzzy and he can hardly process why he is helping this man.

His enemy

His mission

He can't remember being this drained after a job before, but a lot is fuzzy lately. It's like the years of not remembering have piled up and all that consumes him is the frustration of not being able to remember anything. _HYDRA must be obeyed_ is the only thing constant in his universe.

He finally reaches the shallows where he can stand before his knees buckle beneath him. He briefly considers dropping his burden right there but something in him rebelled at the thought of leaving the man he just rescued to possibly drown in the few feet of water. He shook his head tiredly and dragged the unconscious body up to the bank before lowering him to the ground. He pauses for only a moment to look back before heading the opposite direction.

* * *

Walking into the museum he had no idea what he was even looking for. The streets had been buzzing with HYDRA intel, apparently leaked during or after his failed mission. Snatches of speculation from various civilian conversations on the street doesn't give him the complete picture he needs.

Now staring at the face that is his and yet is so different he can hardly reconcile the two, he still doesn't know all wants, but, as he steels his jaw, he realizes he knows enough.

Walking out of the museum he knows exactly where he is heading and what he will do when he gets there.

* * *

**A/N: I was in the process of a Supernatural fic when I saw the Winter Soldier and Bucky's character just grabbed me. I don't think I've felt so sorry for a character in a long long time. Stay tuned!**


	2. Chapter 2

He slowly stood amid the carnage surrounding him, eyes flickering from body to still body looking for any movement. His months of going after HYDRA bases and operatives had been successful. This was the last safe house he knew of in the area and tonight he would head to Austin to take out an operative HYDRA considered particularly crucial.

He wiped the blade of his knife on his pants before reinserting it into its sheath. Turning his attention to the files and papers on the table he swiftly scanned them to determine if there was any Intel on other bases, safe houses or operatives he had missed.

The papers were for a mission in Belize. A memory assailed him.

_"__Can he be trusted?" A man in a business suit stared at him critically._

_"__He is completely obedient to HYDRA." His handler answered. _

_"__Good, here is the target." _

_Gunshots resounded in his head. Blood everywhere, so much blood and screaming. He had to get away, couldn't be caught here. They would…he didn't know, but he knew HYDRA would not tolerate the incompetence of being caught once he was back in their custody._

He dropped the papers like they were hot, glancing around nervously as though he had been caught doing something wrong. He left the scene for the authorities to find and do with it as they liked and stumbled out of the house and into the wood seeking to distance himself and maybe rest before he made his way to Austin.

The fight hadn't gone easily, but neither had the last several. His twisted knee throbbed and the knife wound in his shoulder hadn't fully healed from the last safe house he'd raided. Bruises in various states of healing weren't anything he hadn't dealt with before, but his list of injuries was growing with each encounter with HYDRA and, since he gave himself little time to rest, exhaustion was threatening to overtake him. He wouldn't complain, the physical pain was almost a relief compared to the pain memories brought.

Memory. Something coveted in the past was now his worst tormentor. Sleep, however, was a close second. It had never occurred to him to be thankful for Cyro freeze or the drugs he was sometimes given to sedate him for sleep. His handlers probably didn't care if he had nightmares or not, just didn't want his body and cognitive functions impaired for his mission and even super soldiers needed rest. On the other hand maybe he was frozen and drugged for another purpose. Each time he drifted off to sleep new memories flooded his unconscious. Maybe they realized sleep and dreams wouldn't let him forget his past or present.

The man on the bridge was apparently part of his past, before he became HYDRA's deadliest solider. Part of him wanted to believe when he was told his name was James Buchanan Barnes. The memorial in the museum and subsequent information found after HYDRA was exposed only confirmed the truth.

The man, Captain America, Steve Rogers had apparently been James Barnes', Bucky's, best friend. For all of five seconds the Solider had considered seeking him out after he visited the museum. But the Captain was sure to be surrounded by others who would most certainly not be welcoming to the assassin.

He also had an unpleasant sensation when he considered talking to his former Mission. In the past the Soldier had no need for emotions, HYDRA was his existence and they made it clear his personal memories, emotions or thoughts were not welcome. Now, without HYDRA consuming his every waking minute, new feelings were starting to creep into his consciousness. Almost as if they were there and just waiting for the block to be cleared so they could pour out. Sometime he couldn't identify them, they were so foreign. What did he feel when he thought about approaching Captain America?

Was it fear? He couldn't think of a reason to fear him? Yes he was a strong opponent, far superior to the Winter Soldier in some ways, but on the carrier he had the Soldier at his mercy and did nothing.

Anger?

Shame?

Shame was an emotion he was quickly becoming accustomed too.

It was getting harder to breath by the day. One good thing about going after Hydra was it gave him a tangible enemy to focus on. Without them the only enemy he saw in sight was himself. And the questions in his mind threatened to drive him to insanity.

What kind of person allowed himself to become a monster? Any good soldier would have died before willingly killing innocents. He'd committed murder for them. Why? In hopes that they would spare his own pathetic life?

The price of disobedience became a price he was unwilling to pay and he became the gun in their hand. Why had he been so weak?

He'd lost count of the number of times over the last few months that he's put a gun to his head ready to pull the trigger, but he couldn't. Not yet. It would be selfish to end his own pain before he cleaned up a mess he was very active in making. He had helped spread the cancer that was HYDRA. And now that he knew the truth, he had to make it right.

He had never been sure if he believed HYDRA when they told him what he was doing was for the greater good. That would mean HYDRA itself was good and that was something he had a hard time reconciling. They stole his memories. During the last mission he had remembered and they had maliciously stolen those memories.

They often caused him pain, they said he was helping but they treated him with such contempt. He had assumed it was because he was bad himself.

He tripped over a root in the path falling and landing heavily on his bad knee. He welcomed the pain as he swallowed the cry, considering it penance. _God knows I deserve worse than this. _He thought.

He stayed kneeling on the ground only a moment knowing he didn't have much time to spare. He had to stay ahead of those who were after him. HYDRA, S.H.I.E.L.D., Captain American and who knows who else. Shakily getting to his feet and slowly continued down the path.

* * *

**This chapter was going to include the search on Captain American's front, but I got going with Bucky and decided to end it here.**

**Next chapter will have Steve. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

"It's going well here." Natasha remarked. She and Nick Fury had been in Eastern Europe for the last three months with the sole mission of stamping out HYDRA bases where they found them. Since they left, Natasha had been checking in via video at least every 2 weeks. Steve wasn't quite sure of the purpose of these video chats. It wasn't like he was very involved with taking down HYDRA in the U.S. Since his release from the hospital, Steve's only focus had been to find his friend and bring him home.

"We flushed out two more HYDRA hideouts in Moldova." Natasha continued. "There are two more in this region we'll hit before deciding if we want to tackle Russia. It would be a good time. HYDRA's running scared. Their data going public plus losing a valuable asset they've had for 70 years really shook them up."

Steve's jaw tightened at the mention of his former friend and the predicament he'd been in for more than half a century.

He didn't think Fury liked his plan of going after the Soldier and Natasha outright declared it a bad idea. He had asked Tony Stark if there was some way to track him, but his inquires had been oddly deflected. Then Tony stopped taking his calls and Steve was too worried with other things to pursue it.

Sam was careful to stay neutral. He might be able to come the closest to understand how Steve felt losing a friend to war. But he'd also worked PTSD enough to know his experience probably wouldn't even be able to touch the issues of a 70 year prisoner of war whose will and self had been violated over and over.

"How's it going on the home front?" Natasha's question brought Steve back to the present.

"Another HYDRA base went down yesterday." Sam commented. "Papers, identities, even targets were found. Winter's knocking them down."

"Don't call him that." Steve snapped. Sam opened and closed his mouth before looking down. Natasha cleared her throat.

"Anyway, we think we've broken the back of the organization in Eastern Europe, it will be a long time, if ever, they can rebuild to their current level. The initial intel really helped us target key people and facilities."

"We can't afford to let them grow so large again." Steve said almost to himself.

"No arguments here. Keep me updated and I'll talk to you again when I can." Natasha said preparing to sign off.

Seconds ticked by in uncomfortable silence.

Sam looked down again. "Look, man I'm sorry, I-."

"No, don't apologize." Steve rubbed a hand across his forehead. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's just…it's been 3 months." He turned away from the map they had been studying as though it were too much to look at. "Three months and…nothing." He ran a hand though his hair and let out a frustrated sigh. "I can't believe with all this information on HYDRA we can't find him till after he takes down a base. We've been playing catch up for weeks."

"I guess they didn't call him a ghost for nothing." Sam commented. "We'll find him, don't worry. Although to be honest I'm more worried about what happens when we do find him." He added.

"He's taking down HYDRA. As far as we can tell he hasn't killed anyone else." Steve defended. "That's got to mean something."

"I just don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't know if you can help him." Sam started gently.

"Sam I _have_ to help him."

"He seems to be doing fine on his own."

"He shouldn't have to do it alone. He's been doing it alone for 70 years. Bucky was my best friend and a war hero and we left him in a canyon during the war. I didn't know he was alive then but I do now. He's not going to be left behind again."

"Man, I understand that, but you have to understand the issues he's going to have. We're talking POW times a thousand. We don't even know if the guy you knew is still in there."

"He didn't kill me." Steve stated resolutely. "He had a chance and he didn't. Then he saved me from the water. He's still in there." Steve turned back to the map and Sam let it drop.

Steve felt like he was at his wits end, but he couldn't quit, would never quit. When anyone even suggested Steve give up it was like he was immediately transported back to Brooklyn when he was a kid. He and Bucky had been inseparable friends even at times when Steve was sure it was a burden on Bucky. He remembered the older boy pulling him from fights, checking on him after school to make sure he was doing ok after another bout with pneumonia or other ailments. After his mother died, Bucky was constantly over with some excuse or another but Steve knew the real reason was to check on him and make sure he wasn't alone. Bucky had always stood by him, been his friend though thick and think. Steve would be damned if he would abandon Bucky now, after the most horrific time of his life.

Bucky had taken out every nearly HYDRA base in the country. A few they knew about and more they didn't. They were always just a little too late to catch him. Steve would never say it but he secretly worried who would be the focus of his wrath after he'd extinguished all of HYDRA he could find.

Sam didn't think they would ever really find him, he had too much practice and experience disappearing. Although, his last few hits lacked their usual tidiness, it was as though the Soldier was tired, injured or just didn't care anymore. Steve had thrown his heart and soul into the case for months and just kept coming up with dead ends. Sam knew the toll that could take on a person. He would often think of Riley and what he would do, the lengths he would go, to get him back if he found out he was alive.

Steve's phone started chirping suddenly jerking them both out of their thoughts. Steve flipped it open.

"Hello?"

_"Steve Rogers?"_

"Who is this?"

_"Maria Hill. I have some information that I thought you would want to know."_

"What's that?"

_"One of our data analysts has been combing though HYDRA records and we've come up with someone we believe may have been a former operative. His name is changed of course and he lives in Austin now, but all trails seem to lead to him."_

"You think Bucky will hit him next."

She paused. "_Right now it's the only lead we've got.__"_

"How have you had time to fine tooth comb through HYDRAs records? I though rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D. was all you had time for these days."

She let out a bitter laugh. _ "As far as Director Fury and I are concerned, rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D and taking down HYDRA are one and the same. S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn't have been fractured if it wasn't for them so we consider their decimation goal number 1. Anyway since I've heard you've had no luck targeting the Winter Soldier, I thought you might like to come along."_

"Name the time and place and I'll be there."

_"0600, we'll pick you up."_ There was a hesitation. "_Just a heads up, note everyone is thrilled with you going, but-."_

"Who, why?" Steve demanded.

_"They think you're too close to the Winter Soldier and-."_

"His name is Bucky and yes I am."

_"Think you're too close," _she continued_, " and you won't do what needs to be done if the situation gets messy."_

"You mean I won't kill him on sight." Steve challenged.

Agent Hill sighed. "_Captain Rogers, we want to bring him in alive, he'll have valuable information on HYDRA, but if he starts threatening the lives of agents…their safety will have to come first."_

"Then maybe you shouldn't send anyone to Austin but me."

_"You need back up to bring him in. Will you even bring him to S.H.I.E.L.D. if you manage to get him in your custody?"_

Steve went silent.

_"0600 Captain. Don't be late. Sam Wilson is invited if he wishes and we will use every available measure to bring your friend to S.H.I.E.L.D. alive and unharmed. I brought you into this because I know how much he means to you. Please don't make me regret this decision."_ With that she hung up.

Steve slowly lowered the phone. Sam stepped up behind him.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked quietly.

"Austin."


	4. Chapter 4

He couldn't recall a time when he was bothered by someone begging him to spare their life. Then again most of his kills were distant memories with the details so blurred out of focus it was a wonder he could remember them at all. Tonight though, to hear this former operative plead with the Soldier for mercy had caused him to pause. He was programmed to be a weapon, a killing machine, he was sure he had never paused before. And now, now that it was over, he felt numb and sick. The man he'd read about in the museum, Bucky, he probably would have felt sick if someone had begged him not to kill them. Then again Bucky probably would have let them live. Or maybe not, Bucky had "died" fighting HYDRA which at least the Winter Soldier was doing now. Better late than never he supposed.

His eyes swept the room automatically looking for threats. Finding none he slowly made his way for the door. Half way to his destination he found his body listing to the side. He caught himself on the door frame and let his gun clatter to the ground.

_Just need to lean here for a minute. _He sat heavily on the ground and rested his throbbing head against the wall.

_I should be moving._ The though floated through the buzzing in his head. He was so tired. Beyond tired and now without a purpose to drive him forward. He knew of no more bases in continental North America. Traveling abroad would be difficult with law enforcement and multiple agencies looking for him, to say nothing of trying to board a plane with a metal arm. HYDRA had always transported him in the past. He could sneak aboard or hijack a plane or boat, but…

He dropped his head. He was so tired, weariness and injury dragging him down. He soon realized just how exhausted he was when he began to stir, he didn't even know he had passed out, to the sound of someone talking to him gently. So very gently in fact he was hardly sure they were talking to him at all.

* * *

"We've located two heat signatures in the house, though judging by the rapid cooling of one he's probably already dead." Steve leaned over Maria Hill's shoulder to study the image on the screen. She glanced back at him.

"Captain Rogers, I need you to follow my lead."

Steve straightened and gazed at the house before turning back. "Let me go in and talk to him."

"No, absolutely not."

"You said you didn't want anyone to get hurt. I think I probably have the best chance of talking him down." He reasoned.

"He's killed a man in there. He's been on a rampage for 3 months. What's to stop him from turning on you? You need to go in with a team."

"First of all, he's been killing HYDRA, same as S.H.I.E.L.D. And what's your plan? Tear gas, tranquilizers, you planning on shooting him on sight? I though you said we were going to avoid that."

"We are. No one has seen or talked to him. We don't know where his head is at."

"And we're not going to until someone talks to him. You walk in there with 20 armed S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and I'll tell you where his heads going to be. He going to react and it's not going to be good." She opened her mouth to argue so he plowed on. "Let me go in, just flesh it out. I'll be on my guard. I just need to see if I can get through to him first."

Agent Hill shook her head knowing she was losing the battle. "Go ahead then, but we'll be surrounding the house should he get past you and decide to make a run for it. You will alert us at the first sign of a problem."

"Of course."

"Ten minutes and we're coming in." She warned. Steve nodded and turned toward the house.

Sam had been standing within earshot of the conversation and now stepped closer to Steve. "You want me to come, man?"

"No, I've got it. Thanks." Steve offered him a grateful smile.

"You got a plan?"

"I'm working on it."

* * *

Steve walked to the house and put his hand on the door knob. Taking a deep breath he pushed the door open and walked in. The smell of blood assaulted his heightened senses. He shut the front door and passed through the hallway into the living room. He paused for a moment to check the body on the floor. He was indeed dead and Steve found himself feeling ashamedly relieved it wasn't Bucky.

Stepping carefully around the body he proceeded quietly to the next room and stopped in the doorway dumbfounded. He's been prepared to talk down a violent, angry Bucky. Been prepared with reassurances for a confused or guarded Bucky. He hadn't been expecting…unconscious Bucky.

Steve approached carefully, trying to make enough noise so he didn't sneak up on the man, but the Soldier didn't even stir from where he was slumped against the wall. He was relieved to find that at least he was still breathing though his breaths seemed to be coming in shallow pants.

Steve crouched down to try and assess the situation. Up close the assassin looked even worse. His face was almost a gray color, his hair hanging in limp strands in front of his face. Under his eyes were deep shadows and his lips were tightened as though in pain. Steve longed to reach out a hand and claps his shoulder the way they used to offer to support one another. It saddened him to think how unwelcome such a gesture would be now.

While he wanted didn't want to startle Bucky or give him a reason to run, he needed to speed this along. S.H.I.E.L.D. crashing through the door would certainly not be an ideal way for Bucky to wake up.

"Bucky" he called softly. He received no response. Steve softly talked to him a moment more before the Soldier started to stir, slowly at first, until he caught sign of Steve. Then his eyes widened almost comically. He let out a growl and attempted to rise, until his legs gave way beneath him. Steve grimaced as he fell back to the ground and groaned.

Steve tried to look as nonthreatening as possible and held up his hand placatingly. "Bucky, it's me, its Steve." He swallowed the bitter irony as he remembered those were his words to Bucky when he'd pulled him off Dr. Zola's table over seventy years ago. Who knew that nightmare would lead here?

_"I'm getting him back now too."_ Steve told himself sternly.

"Bucky, I-." The scowl was back on Bucky's face and quicker than Steve would have thought possible, his metal arm shot out to shove Steve out of the way. Steve hit the wall but didn't even feel it over the panic that Bucky might escape again and they'd never find him or worse, he'd be shot down as he attempted to leave the house.

_"I have to stop him before S.H.I.E.L.D. does."_ Steve thought desperately. Luckily the Soldier seemed to be moving at less than half his normal speed. Steve was already recovered and across the room before he had managed a few faltering steps. Steve got between him and the doorway. "Just listen to me, please." He pleaded. The Soldier narrowed his eyes but didn't relax his stance.

"I just want to help you." He extended his hand and took a step forward, then froze when Bucky pulled back. "I want to help you, Bucky. Please let me help you."

Bucky just stared at him with frighteningly empty eyes and swayed slightly on his feet as though a breath of wind could knock him over. Steve swallowed fearing he wasn't getting through but refusing to be deterred. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is outside; they're not going to hurt you, but need to take you back so we can help you. You aren't under HYDRA's control anymore."

Bucky finally spoke, "I won't go with S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Bucky-"

"No!"

Steve knew he was running out of time to get Bucky out of there willingly before the S.H.I.E.L.D. team moved in. "S.H.I.E.L.D. won't hurt you, they're not HYDRA anymore." He tried to reason calmly. "They want to talk to you about HYDRA. I swear no one will hurt you and we'll find a way to get your life back. Please Buck, let me help." He finished pleadingly.

* * *

The Soldier was confused and the blood pounding in his ears only made it harder to think. The words were swirling around in his head. He had a life to get back? No one would hurt him? The Captain wanted to help him?

His options were limited. He considered fighting. The Captain wasn't guarding himself properly and looked exhausted himself. If he considered the Soldier a non-threat or weak that could be to his advantage.

He considered running. There were two paths he could take to exit the home and possibly elude capture. But how far would he really make it in his condition and S.H.I.E.L.D. mostly likely had the place surrounded.

Every instinct told him to run or fight. His shoulders slumped. All he knew how to do was fight and kill.

"Bucky?" Concerned eyes searched his, they held nothing but compassion and kindness and something in him ached to see it.

In the end he didn't know if he shocked himself or the captain more when he raised his head and nodded.

* * *

**I've been reading fan fictions where Bucky is very emotional and a constant weeping wreck and while I have enjoyed the ones I've read, I have to keep reminding myself that isn't how I want to portray him. I think he would be much more like a hurt animal. Angry, wary, scared and dangerous. So I will be attempting to keep true to that image.**


	5. Chapter 5

Steve opened the front door of the house and his eyes immediately sought Agent Hill. When he found her he nodded and stepped over the threshold. Bucky paused behind him, tense as a bowstring, his eyes sweeping across the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Steve could practically see him trying to form an escape plan.

"Easy Bucky." He murmured stepping back beside the man. He wasn't sure if Bucky relaxed at that or if Steve wanted it so badly that he imagined it. Bucky straightened up, took a step and stumbled. Steve grabbed his arm to keep him from collapsing to the ground and Sam moved forward to help. Steve caught sight of several agents bring their guns a little higher and he winced. He looked at Agent Hill imploringly and she hesitated before nodding and shouting out an order.

"Stand down."

"I gotcha, Buck." He said lowly in the other man's ear. The Soldier growled and pushed himself up and away from Steve while also sending a warning glare to Sam who promptly backed off. Eyes followed the Soldier and Captain as they walked to the van park on the curb.

* * *

The trip to the airfield was one of the tensest experiences of Steve's life. He could feel every S.H.I.E.L.D. agent keyed up, ready to react to the slightest movement. Bucky wasn't much better, his eyes cagy as he shifted in his handcuffs. Steve was afraid the delicate truce could fall apart at the slightest wrong move.

It wasn't long after they got in the helicopter that Bucky began to list to the side. He became more belligerent, growling and glaring at anyone who looked directly at him, shrugging off Steve's hands when he tried to help. It was painfully apparent to Steve that Bucky was fighting to stay conscious and lashing out at any enemy he perceived in an effort to hide weakness. He knew the only reason the exhausted man was holding on to any semblance of consciousness was his distrust of the strangers around him and the paranoia of what would happen if he gave in.

Bucky's blinks became longer and slower and he eventually lost his fight and slumped against the door. Steve reached out to steady him so he didn't fall forward then kept one hand on the Soldier's real arm the rest of the flight. He knew Bucky couldn't feel it and even if he could, doubted Bucky remembered enough of him to connect him with friendship, but he hoped somewhere deep in his subconscious it would bring him comfort. He'd been studying Bucky wondering if he could read him the way he used to be able to when they were kids. This man in front of him was so familiar and yet so achingly different. One day he hoped Bucky would trust him again like he used to, but he wasn't fooling himself into believing it was going to happen soon.

Evidently Agent Hill had radioed in their situation, because when they landed a team was waiting with a stretcher. Bucky was carefully loaded and injected with a sedative. As much as Steve hated to see it, he knew if would be better if Bucky didn't wake until he was settled and so many people weren't swirling around him.

An agent approached Maria to tell her something that Steve couldn't hear over the noise of the helicopter. She nodded and turned to Steve.

"Captain Rogers, Director Fury is on video chat. He wants to speak with you." She looked over at Sam. "You're welcome as well, Mr. Wilson."

Steve hesitated, he eyes still following his friend.

"He's not going to wake up for a few hours." Maria reasoned. "Talking to the Director won't change that. Then you can go right back to your friend."

Reluctantly Steve pulled his eyes away. He nodded. "Fine."

He pushed down the rising feeling in his gut that leaving was a bad idea.

* * *

Fury was on the screen when Steve arrived.

"I hear congratulations are in order." Fury greeted. "Any problems?"

"No problems." Steve answered.

"Captain Rogers talked with him and he came peacefully." Maria interjected. "He seems to be run down and possibly injured. He's being examined now."

"I see." Fury nodded. Steve wanted to find out where the conversation was going so he could wrap it up and get back to Bucky. "What are your plans for him?" He questioned.

The Director wasn't fazed by the abrupt change of topic. "We need to know about HYDRA and ensure he's no longer a threat."

"And after that." Steve pressed.

"What are your suggestions, Captain Rogers?"

"My plan is to help him." Steve said immediately.

"Does this plan to help him have actionable items?"

Steve paused before starting slowly. "Honestly, I hadn't really be able to plan that far in advance. I didn't know…where his head would be at when we found him. There were too many variables. I do know he's been used and controlled by HYDRA for 70 years. I don't want him to jump from one agency to another who only wants to use him for their own purposes."

"Do you feel we've used you?"

"No, I don't. But I also knew I had a choice on accepting missions or not."

"Captain, I have no intentions of using him against his will. The first thing we need to do is an assessment to find out where his head is at, as you put it."

"I promised him I would help him. I just don't want him to fall between the cracks again. Bucky suffered as much as anyone under HYDRA."

Fury studied him. "We will do what we can to help him, but you might need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he can't be helped. He's been brainwashed and reprogrammed by one of the greatest evils in the modern world for over 70 years. What if the programming has become too ingrained and he continues to pose a threat?"

Steve was frowning and shaking his head but Fury continued. "You know we can't let him out until we are sure he's rehabilitated 100%. I realize he was your friend and HYDRA put him through hell, but none of that changes the fact that he is incredibly dangerous. I don't want you to think there's going to be a quick or easy fix to this or that we can just release him. Don't forget he's tried to kill most of us in this room at one point, with varying degrees of success."

"He could be released to me."

"And one day you wake up and he's gone. Doing what he does best. Killing."

"He didn't kill me on the carrier." Steve said quietly. "He saved me from the river. I understand how dangerous he is, but I honestly believe the man I knew is in there somewhere. I don't want him locked in a cage like an animal. I owe it to him to try everything in my power to get him back. If it's too late…I'm just going to have to take that one day at a time."

The Director nodded. "Right now we need information on HYDRA. And we can't ease restrictions on him until we're positive it's safe. We can't put the public at risk like that, you have to agree."

"I do." Steve's shoulders squared. "But I want to be involved. Maybe it will help his memory if he sees a familiar face."

"I have no problems with that. Captain, believe it or not we have the same goal. You're just more optimistic it can be accomplished, but we'll do everything in our power to help."

"Thank you."

"As soon as he's well enough we need to start figuring out what he knows about HYDRA and assess what damage they've done to him."

"I might be able to help with the assessment." Sam volunteered. "See what level of PTSD he has."

"Sounds like a plan, gentlemen."

The Director signed off and for the first time in months Steve felt that things might start getting better. An alarm blaring shattered that illusion.

* * *

**A/N: Not a lot of Bucky in this chapter. He'll be back for Ch 6 and soon we will have lots of Steve and Bucky. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you so much to everyone who is reading. And thank you for those who have taken the time to review. I have appreciated all your kind words and it motivates me forward to write!**

* * *

The Asset was covered his sweat and trembling in the restraints that held him fast to the table. His chest heaved as whatever he'd been injected with forced his body to come down from the brief adrenaline high of waking up in an unfamiliar place.

He was back with HYDRA.

It was the only explanation his jumbled mind could come up with. Waking up among white coats speaking about him, but not to him always meant HYDRA. He'd attempted to fight but leather straps holding him down and his own injuries betrayed him and the needle in his arm made the world spin and go fuzzy. Cold dread filled him.

He screwed his eyes shut, not willing to face what would happen next. It was amazing how much worse the routines HYDRA put him through seemed after the months he'd been free of them. He used to accept his fate with little resistance, there was never any point, but now after his brief taste of freedom he very nearly couldn't stand the thought of more retraining, wipes, cyro freeze, drugs and punishment. It would be worse for resisting, for all he'd done to HYDRA. Maybe this time they would just kill him. Decide that the resources wasted on him were sunk cost and they would be best served just to get rid of him.

While his eyes were shut activity buzzed around him and he found images floating through his mind_. A blond man…Captain America…Steve crouched down in front of him with a look of concern, talking to him softly about…S.H.I.E.L.D.?. A helicopter ride and the world beginning to grey around the edges before finally going dark._ Brow furrowed, _S.H.I.E.L.D., not HYDRA?_ That was marginally better but not much. At least S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't make him kill for them. They would interrogate him, which probably meant torture. He steeled himself. He could handle torture. He had no qualms about telling them about HYDRA anyway so it didn't really matter. He had nothing to hide anymore.

The noises around him peaked into commotion and he opened his eyes to see what was happening. A man in a white coat to his right dropped to the ground like a sack of flour. He looked to the left in time to see another person collapse across his stomach knocking the wind out of him. She laid there until a hand grasped her shoulder and lowered her to the floor.

The Soldier found himself looking into the cold face of middle aged brunette. She lifted her hand and the sharp blade of a small knife brushed almost imperceptibly across his neck.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this." Her voice was soft and low, but sounded almost happy. He didn't answer, just met her gaze unwaveringly. "I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to hunt down monsters like you." She continued. "I never dreamed I'd get the chance to be face to face with the man who killed my brother."

He attempted to struggle but knew it was useless when the restraints didn't give at all and the sedative was still flowing through his blood. He wasn't even sure why he was fighting. Wasn't this what he wanted, to be done, finished. He'd thought about killing himself; why not let someone else finish the job?

A thumb dug into his shoulder injury and he moaned before he could stop himself.

"When we started looking for you, I threw all my efforts into it and I've been rewarded quicker than I would have thought."

His shoulder throbbed where her thumb was still pressing.

"My only fear was that we wouldn't be able to take you alive and I'd never get to tell you what you did to my family. How you hurt us. I wouldn't get to make you suffer like you did us. Brian Greyson, you remember him? You cut his throat and left him to die. That's what I'm going to do to you." The knife which she had been running back and forth across the ridge of his throat, ceased its movement and settled against his windpipe, digging in slightly.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." The agent's head whipped toward the door and shrunk back slightly at the sight of Steve filling the doorway. She fidgeted nervously glancing between Bucky and Steve.

"How can you defend him?!" She finally spat, her voice trembling slightly. "You know what he's done. This can't go on."

"It's over Agent Greyson." Agent Hill stepped beside Steve. "He's in custody. He won't hurt anyone else, but you need to put the knife down."

"We know he's going to be given lenience because he's Captain America's friend. It's not fair and I'm not the only one who thinks so." She said defiantly. "I'm not the only one who wanted to do this."

"And yet you had to incapacitate two of your teammate here and one outside to do what you claim all of you wanted." Maria countered.

"They're not dead." Greyson said defensively. "I only knocked them out."

"We'll deal with that separately. Right not you haven't done anything terrible. Put the knife down before you do." Maria coaxed.

"HYDRA gutted us." Greyson's voice trembled. "They are the greatest evil we've ever fought and he's their weapon."

"He's a person." Steve snapped taking a step forward.

She flinched back and dug the knife deeper. Bucky's eye twitched and his lips tighten in a thin line. Steve froze.

"He killed my brother." She said quietly. "He ruined people's lives, I have to do this."

Steve's eyes were on Bucky. He didn't want him to get hurt further but he almost willed him to move. He needed just a small distraction. The distance was short, he was sure he could close it if he could only get her attention off him for a moment. Almost as if Bucky had read his mind, or maybe was just not ready to give up yet, his metal arm moved against the restraints. The woman's eyes jumped over to him. Steve took his opportunity and began to move. She shrieked as he hit her, taking her to the ground.

Maria and Sam moved in to help and it was only seconds before she was no longer a threat.

"Get some other medical personnel in here." Maria ordered to some agents over her shoulder. "And take her to a holding cell."

As soon as he was sure she couldn't do further damage, Steve had moved quickly to Bucky's side. The knife had slice deeper into his neck as he's pulled the woman away and was now bleeding freely. He snatched some gauze from the side table and pressed it to Bucky's neck.

"You with me, Buck?" Steve asked worriedly leaning over into his line of sight.

Bucky's eyes slowly slide over to his, but he didn't answer.

"It's ok now, she's gone." Steve comforted gently. Not that Bucky seemed to need gentleness or comforting. His eyes had stayed disturbingly blank during the whole ordeal. After briefly holding Steve's gaze they slid back away.

"You should have let her kill me." The quietly spoken words shocked Steve.

"What? Why?"

"She was right. S.H.I.E.L.D. is at war with HYDRA." He said flatly. "In war you kill your enemy."

Steve felt his nostrils flare in the now familiar protectiveness he experienced when he had to defend Bucky to someone. Apparently even Bucky himself.

"You're not HYDRA, Bucky, and you're not the enemy." Steve said tightly.

His old friend snorted.

"You didn't kill me when you had the chance." Steve argued. "You could have and you didn't." He almost smiled as he remembered how Bucky used to talk about how stubborn he was and too stupid to walk away from a fight.

Bucky's eyes flickered for a moment but stayed staring up and nowhere else.

"You're not the enemy either." He said so softly Steve almost didn't hear. Steve's chest constricted. He pressed the gauze more tightly and squeezed Bucky's arm. As Steve studied him he noted how he trembled slightly. He didn't know if it was from fear or cold. His skin was clammy and the dark circles under his eyes were starting to look like bruises. Steve didn't want to think about how difficult the last few months…or the many years before that had been on Bucky.

He tried to think of something else to say to comfort his friend, but honestly Bucky seemed to be taking everything better than Steve himself and without any reaction it was difficult to know what his friend needed.

Someone moved at his side and he tensed.

"Can I have that, Captain Rogers?" A young nurse smiled and gently took the gauze from his hand. He reluctantly released it but didn't step back until more medical personnel came in and he needed to give up his space so they could work. He moved to a corner and was humbled when Bucky's eyes sought him out as if to check where he was before they returned to his familiar spot on the ceiling.

* * *

**I have to say Bucky's voice is really hard for me to get down. I hope it is acceptable. I doubt it will be next chapter but hopefully the next one after that will have lots of Bucky and Steve. Thanks again for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all those who are reading. Hope you are enjoying the story.**

**This is a pretty short chapter. I had hoped to make it longer but my sister's family is coming tomorrow. Her 5 year old will barely let me out of her sight so I don't anticipate a lot of writing getting done for the next 10 days. (They are so worth it though) :) So it was either a short chapter now or a longer chapter in about 2 weeks.**

**Again, thanks for reading!**

* * *

Agent Hill disappeared briefly with Agent Greyson. She reappeared a few minutes later and watched the scene between Bucky and Steve thoughtfully until Steve was forced to retreat to a corner.

She walked over to him.

"I need to go make some arrangements. I assume you're staying here?" Her answer was a shaky smile.

She nodded and left again.

Steve never took his eyes off Bucky, even as he moved to a corner of the room to stay out of the way of the medical team. He was struck by how small Bucky looked on the table. When they first found his friend in that house in Austin he had been covered in layers, and curled in on himself. When he'd seen Bucky strapped to the table with a knife at his throat all he seemed to be able to focus on was the drawn face and dull eyes. But now that the danger had cleared and Steve could really study him…his friend looked terrible. In the stark light Steve could practically see every rib, bruises and scars littered his upper body. He could imagine the kind of care, or lack of that Bucky had received the past few months, maybe past 70 years.

Sam came to stand quietly beside him. "I know its hard, man, watching someone you care about go through what he has."

"I feel selfish Sam." Steve admitted quietly.

"What do you mean?

"He's gone through so much, practically hell, and I'm…just, just happy he's alive. It probably would have been better for him to have died, but I can't even bring myself to think that." Steve kept his voice low. "I just keep looking at him thinking, "Bucky's back"."

"That's normal, maybe the only normal thing about this mess." Sam tried to laugh but it ended up sounding forced. He hesitated. "Steve, you know…he may never be the person you remember. Every event in our life changes us, some are barely noticeable but others…I mean like this…" He waved his hand vaguely.

"I know." Steve nodded. He understood. He just hoped Sam understood it didn't matter.

Sam was silent, then, "You know my offer to help didn't end with finding him." Apparently he did understand. "I deal with PTSD every day. I have books and videos for vets and their family and friends. Hell, you can bring him to a group session if you think that would help."

Steve smile gratefully, "Thanks, Sam"

* * *

Steve noticed the change in Bucky's demeanor almost immediately. The nurse had just started to stitch his shoulder wound when his eyes flew open and he went rigid. Up until that point Bucky would open his eyes every few minutes and they would move lazily around the room, stopping when they rested on Steve before slipping closed again.

Now, he was trying to remain stoic, but Steve could see his eyes darting back and forth, his breathing getting shallower and more panicked as he was poked and prodded.

Steve watched helplessly for a few seconds warring with himself trying to decide between staying put or going forward to try and calm Bucky. He honestly wasn't sure if having one more person hovering over him while he was strapped down would help or hurt.

_To heck with it._ He thought, abandoning his corner in favor of Bucky's side. He placed his hand on Bucky's arm trying to stay out of the nurses' way so they would have no reason to dislodge him. Bucky flinched at the contact and pulled at the restraints again.

"You're ok, Bucky." Steve said softly. "It's going to get better. We're trying to help you."

"Get me another sedative in here." The nurse stitching his shoulder called over her shoulder.

Steve's lips tightened and he glanced up. "Do you have to?"

The nurse gave him a sad, sympathetic smile. "It would be for the best." Steve's gaze didn't waver. She sighed.

"If you can calm him down, we'll wait on it."

Steve didn't answer but looked back down at Bucky again.

"You gotta calm down, man." Bucky didn't seem to be hearing him. He was panting and his eyes were rolling around looking for who knows what. Steve risked putting a hand on his check to turn Bucky's face to look at him. He cringed at the clammy skin beneath his palm but forced a smile as Bucky's eyes caught his.

"You're safe, Bucky, I promise. Just need you to breathe. They're fixing your shoulder up. I bet it's been a pain. You'll be good as new in no time." He smiled again as disarmingly as he could because Bucky was still staring at him. His brow was furrowed like he was concentrating, trying to remember.

Steve rubbed up and down his arm, hoping to work some heat into them. "You ok, Bucky?"

The Soldier's expression eased up a fraction. "Steve…?" His voice came out shaky and confused.

Steve couldn't help but grin. "Yeah, it's me. We're gonna get you through this, I promise. You can do it." He kept physical contact with Bucky while speaking gentle reassurances. The nurse smiled up at him as Bucky gradually calmed down.

* * *

**Happy Thanksgiving to all!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you to everyone out there who is reading. Thank you also to those reviewing, it makes my day!**

* * *

Bucky had calmed considerably by the time the nurse had finished stitching his shoulder. The small cut on his neck was easily closed with a couple of butterfly bandages. Steve had backed up a few steps to let the nurses work, but stayed close by. When Agent Hill stepped back in the room, one of the nurses broke away to talk to her.

"How's he doing?"

"Right now, he's in shock and we haven't had a chance to get him warm because we needed to see what we were dealing with. He lost a fair amount of blood from his shoulder and there's a possibility it might still become infected. He's also malnourished and exhausted and that's going to affect how fast he heals and recovers. His knee is fairly swollen but it's only sprained."

"No serious problems?"

"Not unless his shoulder becomes infected. Right now he just needs rest." knee

"Thank you." Agent Hill turned to Steve who had been discreetly listening. "Captain, can you come with me?"

"I'm not leaving him."

"I just need you to talk to the Director for a few minutes."

"I already talked to him!" Steve said angrily. "You told me last time it would just be a few minutes and look what happened when I left."

She corners of her mouth twitched upwards with a look he couldn't quite decipher. "I promise this time you'll be much happier with what he has to say."

Steve cocked his head but didn't move.

"Maybe Mr. Wilson could stay and stand guard." Maria suggested looking at Sam imploringly.

"Sure." Sam nodded looking at Steve.

Steve hesitated. He glanced over and found Bucky staring at him. Bucky had gained a lot of muscle since their days in the army and his metal arm glinted ominously, but laying on the table, pale and shivering, he looked smaller and weaker and maybe even a little afraid. Steve tried to imagine how it must be to wake up among strangers, injured and exhausted. That almost stopped Steve. But if he talked to Fury again maybe he could pitch for Bucky to be kept somewhere safer and homier than here.

"Can we get the man a blanket in here?" He heard Sam ask behind him.

Steve walked back to Bucky and laid a hand on his forearm. "I'll be back in a few minutes Bucky, I promise."

* * *

Steve followed Maria out into the hallway and down the corridor.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think he's safe here." He began.

"Really?"

"Of course not! You saw what happened. Greyson said others felt the same way, what happens next time one of them gets past your agents, heck, they are your agents!"

"We'll talk about it." She was so infuriatingly calm that Steve was nearly livid by the time they arrived at the communications room. Director Fury was on-screen.

"Agent Hill tells me there was a problem.." He greeted.

"We're managing." Steve said tightly. "We could manage better in a controlled environment so we could limit the number of people who have access to him."

"I agree, Captain."

"…What?" Of the responses Steve was expecting, agreement was not on the list and it paused the rant he had silently prepared.

"I agree that it might be better for Mr. Barnes to be at some type of safe house away from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters."

Steve stared open mouth at Fury, and then turned to Maria. She smiled at him.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" Steve asked, suspicious.

"Honestly," Fury frowned. "I didn't anticipate problem with our own agents. I'm sure it was an isolated event, but I don't want to take that chance considering how long we've been working to bring him in. And you're right it would be easier to keep track of incoming and outgoing personnel in a safe house environment. I'm also working under the assumption that any trouble a safe house will be is going to pale in comparison to my having to fight you tooth and nail every step of the way." He finished ruefully.

Steve grinned.

"Agent Hill says he seems to respond to you." Fury continued. "We need to know what he knows about HYDRA. His cooperation will make it faster in the long run. And I know you have your sights set on rehabilitation."

"He's in there." Steve said confidently. "I can see it."

Fury made a non-committed noise. "I want to be perfectly clear. He's not off his leash. He'll have a tracking device on him at all times that Agent Hill and myself will have access to. He gets outside the approved parameter and he's back in S.H.I.E.L.D. custody with no more passes. One strike and he's out. Do you understand?"

"I do, thank you." Steve was too stunned for more than that. His mind was spinning with this new information.

"You can thank Agent Hill, she advocated on your behalf." Steve threw a grateful smile her way as Fury continued. "I'm sending Romanoff your way as back-up. I know you trust her and I think it's possible she could help."

Steve nodded. "When can we be transferred to the safe house?"

"As soon as the medical team releases him and we have the tracking device in place. What is his health status?"

"No major or permanent injuries, minor injuries have been attended." Maria spoke up. "He's exhausted and malnourished, but it shouldn't stop him from begin released."

"Good, get the tracking device on him and arrange a car. You or Captain Rogers will drive; I don't want any other agents to know their whereabouts."

"I'd like Sam Wilson to be in on this as well." Steve spoke up. "I think he could help Bucky and I trust him."

"Agreed." He paused. "Captain, remember, we're all on your side. You obviously have a more vested interest in seeing him rehabilitated, but that's our goal as well. We'd like him to end up on our side. I'm still holding doubts he can be brought back all the way, but we'll help you in anyway necessary. Don't shut us out."

"Thank you, I won't."

"Romanoff should be there soon. I'll check back once you get settled."

* * *

Steve felt lighter than he had in a while. He knew they were far from the end of the journey, but just knowing he could take Bucky out of here made it a better day than he had had in a while. Maybe even since the day Bucky died.

In less than an hour Maria had made the final arrangement. She and Steve met Bucky in one of the conference rooms to discuss the new plan and expectations. Discuss was a stretch, Bucky, would nod once when asked if he understood, but other than that he did not speak and his face stayed blank. Steve grieved again the loss of his is expressive friend. The war had damped some of his natural effusiveness and HYDRA seemed to have crushed it the rest of the way.

Maria explained firmly, but not unkindly, the rules and consequences of not following those rules.

"Do you understand?" A nod.

"Do you have any questions?" Bucky frowned and paused a moment, then looked at Steve.

"Why are you helping me?" He asked suddenly.

Steve was taken aback. Not by the question, he knew Bucky probably didn't remember much of the last 70 years, much less the time before that. HYDRA would have kept those memories at bay, if not completely destroyed them, of that Steve was sure. He tried for a disarming smile. "We were friends, Bucky. I hope we still can be."

"I tried to kill you and you have no reason to think that I won't try again. You have no reason to help me."

Steve felt Maria stiffen beside him and he willed her to be calm.

"But you didn't kill me and you pulled me from the river when you could have let me drown." He said gently.

Bucky pulled back a little, his face twitched in surprise. "How do you know that? You were unconscious."

Steve smiled wanly. "Not as unconscious as you might think."

Bucky seemed to pull back in on himself and stared at the table before looking up at Maria, his face again a mask.

"I understand and will follow your directions, Agent Hill."

Maria glanced uneasily at Steve, but nodded. "Fine. Your transportation to the safe house will leave in 5 minutes."

Steve smiled at him but Bucky pointedly ignored his eyes.

"You said I wasn't the enemy, Bucky. Just give me a chance. Trust me." Steve said softly.

* * *

The Soldier couldn't remember the last time he trusted anyone, didn't know what the word even meant anymore. He certainly hadn't trusted HYDRA; he obeyed them but out of fear, not trust or devotion. He didn't trust the Captain, not really, and yet something about his concerned presence quieted the raging doubts in his mind.

He tried to tell himself it was logic. The Captain had multiple opportunities to kill him, but had never finished it.

An enemy, or anyone, treating him kindly was so foreign as to be unnerving. He had no idea what to expect next. The only thing to do was keep his guard up and react as the situation unfolded. If the Captain did eventually attack, he could, and would, defend himself.

* * *

**I hope the change in Fury doesn't seem to sudden. My reasoning is Maria would have assessed the situation wasn't safe there and also would have been moved by his talk with Steve.**

**I often think it must be very annoying for anyone with medical knowledge to read H/C fan fiction because I'm sure there is rampant medical misinformation. In a roundabout way I am trying to say I have no medical knowledge and hope my medical jargon wasn't too offensive to those who do.**

**Thanks so much for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for reading!**

* * *

"It's not fancy. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, kitchen and living room. There's plenty of food in the kitchen, everything is fully stocked. In the living room there should be books and DVDs to keep you occupied. We have a perimeter set up to alert you when anyone gets within 25 feet of the house. Can you think of anything else you need?"

Steve glanced at Bucky, but his face had slipped into the mask of indifference again. The one Steve knew meant he was listening but had no opinion or certainly wouldn't voice it.

"I think we're ok, Agent Hill." Steve smiled, setting down the small bag of clothes they had stopped and gotten on the way in. "Can you think of anything, Bucky?" Bucky's eyes slowly slide from his sweep of the room to briefly meet Steve's before looking at Agent Hill and shaking his head.

"Very good. Call me if you need anything. I'll let myself out." She turned to go.

"Aren't we going to talk about HYDRA?" Bucky asked suddenly.

Maria and Steve both turned to him surprised. She hesitated and glanced at Steve. "I had planned on letting you two get settled and coming back tomorrow."

"There's no rush, Bucky." Steve said gently. "It might be better for you to get some food and rest."

Bucky shook his head dismissively. "We can eat while we talk and I can rest when we're finished."

Steve frowned, disliking the way Bucky shuffled off the idea of his own well-being. This was the first request his friend had made and he didn't want Bucky to feel like he had no say. He would just watch carefully and call an end to it if he observed the discussion taxing him too much.

"We can take breaks, when we need to." Maria reasoned. "Let's do this in the kitchen. If Sargent Barnes wants to tell what he knows who am I to stop him?"

Steve sighed. "Kitchen it is. I'll fix something while we talk."

* * *

Three hours later Maria left.

Bucky was silent at the table, not even getting up as Steve saw her out. Exhaustion was evident in every slow blink. He had pushed through though despite Steve's many suggestions they quite for the day.

Steve picked up their bowls from the table ducking to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You ok?"

A nod but no eye contact. Despite the long meeting, and all the information Bucky had been able to give them, he had really told very little about his personal experience with HYDRA. Huge chucks involving his treatment or training was omitted. Maria didn't press, most of it was ancient history anyway and S.H.I.E.L.D. was far more concerned with what was happening in the present day. Some information he couldn't provide. Bucky was an assassin, unfrozen only when they needed him. He hadn't been privy to their grand schemes or detailed plots.

Steve took the bowls to the sink to wash. He glanced at the dishwasher briefly before deciding to do it by hand. There was a lot about the present day that he really didn't have any use for. He thought about Bucky's family before the war. With four kids, Mrs. Barnes certainly could have used a dishwasher. Steve almost smiled. He started filling the sink.

The chair squeaked behind him and he turned to see Bucky rise a little stiffly. He looked drained and when he stood he swayed slightly on his feet. The dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced and unless Steve was mistaken he was trembling slightly.

He took a step toward Bucky in case his legs decided to give way and tried for a smile. "I'm about to turn in, Bucky. Do you know which room you want?"

Bucky didn't of course, neither of them really cared. Steve stashed his stuff in the room closest to the door. Once Steve was sure Bucky was comfortable and didn't need anything, he returned to the kitchen to finish cleaning. He checked the security of the house before turning in himself.

* * *

It was 1am when Steve's eyes flew open. He didn't know what had woken him up. It was quiet outside, he didn't think he had ever slept anywhere quiet before. Brooklyn had been full of noise and the army, well 200 guys could never really be quiet either. But here, you could could hear a pin drop here. Steve frowned. He wasn't sure what he heard but decided to get up and check things out. He softly padded through the house not wanting to wake up Bucky. As he passed the kitchen entrance way he froze and his heart stuttered in fear.

Bucky was sitting on the floor leaned against the cabinets holding a large knife with the blade resting again his neck. His head was tipped forward and his eyes were closed. For half a second Steve was afraid he was too late. The moon light coming through the window illuminated enough to see that he was breathing and Steve let out the breath he had been holding. He kicked himself for not removing the knives from the kitchen. It had crossed his mind but he didn't want it to seem like he didn't trust Bucky. And realistically, if Bucky really wanted to kill himself there were many other ways he could find to do it.

He swallowed and took a quiet step closer.

"Bucky." Steve called softly not wanting to startle him.

"Why do you call me that?" Bucky couldn't have been too surprised by Steve's entrance. He hadn't flinched at all.

"That's your name."

Bucky laughed humorlessly, never moving the knife. "That's the name of the friend you lost in the war. I saw the museum exhibit. I'm not him."

"You are." Steve argued. "I'll call you something else if you want."

"I didn't even think I had a name. Not till you told me."

"What did HYDRA call you?" Steve was almost afraid to know.

"Nothing, they would address me when they were talking to me." Bucky seemed lost in the memory. "They called me the Asset with they were talking about me."

Steve felt his blood boil at the thought of Bucky reduced to a piece of property, a thing to be owned and used and talked about as though he were not even in the room.

"I've told you everything I know about HYDRA." Bucky said suddenly. "I don't have any other information." Steve moved slowly and sat down across from his friend. Bucky lifted his head to watch warily.

"Is that why you were so anxious to talk, so you could go ahead and…kill yourself." Steve asked gently. Bucky hung his head. It pained Steve to see him looking so beaten down.

"I was waiting to do it until I could clean up the mess I made. Now that's done…there's nothing." He swallowed and met Steve's eyes for the first time, the shame and self-loathing evident. "I can't…can't deal with what I've done, the weight of it all."

"Bucky, that wasn't you."

"It was me, I killed those people willingly! The things HYDRA did to me…" His breathing hitched. "I would have done anything, killed anyone, to keep from being wiped again or have to go through retraining and reeducation."

Steve felt like his heart was breaking. Bucky had never liked being helpless, he was proud that certainly hadn't changed. It was easier for him to think he had willingly lived the life of a killer than admit he'd been tortured and brainwashed into doing HYDRA's will. "Bucky, do you even remember most of your missions? The fact that they had to keep wiping and retraining you is proof that you fought them constantly for years. They would never have had to do that if you were a willing killer. They forced you into the life of an assassin, with you fighting the whole way. It wasn't your fault, you were a prisoner of war with no hope of being rescued and they brainwashed you. It. Wasn't. Your. Fault."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew what all I had done." Bucky said softly, shamefully.

"I know what you've done Bucky." Steve said quietly. "I've read every word in every file HYDRA kept of your missions at least 3 times. It doesn't change anything I've said." Steve felt like he was losing the argument and he wasn't prepared to face the consequences of not coming out victorious in the particular battle.

"A lot of people…I was the last thing they ever saw. It was my finger on the trigger. How can I just…?" The knife dug in just a little deeper.

"Then start making it up," Steve said desperately, trying to think of some way to bring Bucky back from this. "Whatever you feel you own, start giving back. Just, please don't give up."

"I did make it up; I wiped out every HYDRA base that I could get to. Now I have no purpose. Nothing left for me to do, but die."

"You could fight beside me, like we used to. If you really feel like you have to make it up. There are a lot of people out there we could help."

Bucky was silent.

"Bucky, listen to me." Steve scooted a little closer. "When I crashed the plane in ice, it was 1945, I was sure I was dead, then I woke up in 2011 and it was…" He shook his head. "Everything I knew was gone. Almost everyone I knew was dead, just like that." He snapped his fingers. "I've just been wandering around without a clear reason. I help S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers when they need me, but I don't…I don't feel like I belong here, you know?"

"Is that why you almost let me kill you in the Helicarrier?"

Steve smiled. "I'm not that easy to get rid of. Bucky, you need to know how happy I was when I found out you were still alive. You're my best friend. You're my link to the past."

"You know I'm not the same friend you lost." Bucky said, but he had lowered the knife slowly during Steve's plea.

"We've both changed. Sometimes I barely recognize myself. But that doesn't mean we can't still be friends. I remember what we have in common and hopefully one day you will to. I just found you, Bucky, and I don't want to lose you again. Please don't give up. Not now, now that you're free. Don't take the coward's way out."

"I am a coward."

"Bucky, if you don't believe anything else I tell you, believe me when I say you are the bravest man I have ever known. Back in 1944 and now." Steve said seriously.

Bucky didn't move and Steve took the opportunity to slowly reach for the knife. He freed it from Bucky's grasp and the other man offered no resistance. Steve set it down a safe distance away.

He never took his eyes off Bucky. He'd never seen his friend look so lost and he almost wished for the defiance back.

Steve stood and extended his hand. Bucky stared at it for a moment, then reached out and grasped it, allowing Steve to pull him up.

"I'm pretty wide awake." Steve said lightly. "Want to watch a movie."

Bucky shrugged. "Come on," Steve cajoled, "you must be exhausted, it'll help you sleep. I'll fix us some food and we'll find something we can laugh at."

He steered Bucky to the couch. This would be good, it would give Bucky something outside of himself to focus on. He also wasn't keen on letting Bucky out of his sight at the moment. He'd already scoped the movies out earlier hoping there were some that wouldn't trigger anything.

Steve made a quick detour to the hall closet for blankets and pillow. He paused there for a second as he flashed back to the sleepovers they'd had as kids growing up. He'd give almost anything to be back in Brooklyn, before the war, when Bucky was safe and sound and everything seemed right with the world.

He sighed, that part of their lives was over, but they still had each other. He handed a blanket and pillow to Bucky on the couch before putting on the movie and going to the kitchen to start some popcorn. By the time he placed a bowl in front of Bucky and settled in the recliner, the movie had started.

He glanced over at Bucky to find him staring blankly at the TV not having moved from where Steve first sat him down.

"Hey." Steve said quietly and waited till the man made eye contact with him before smiling.

"I'm really glad you're back, Buck."


	10. Chapter 10

**This is a long chapter so it will probably be my last till after the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my readers!**

* * *

It didn't take long for Bucky to fall asleep once he finally lay down on the couch with the blanket pulled over him. The former assassin was still exhausted from his ordeal and would probably take a while to make up the sleep deficient.

Steve soon dozed in the recliner beside him. About 2 hours after Bucky had fallen asleep, mumbling and thrashing from the couch alerted Steve to the first nightmare. He had known it was coming; Steve still had nightmares from the things he'd seen: the war, Bucky falling from the train, going down in the frozen wasteland of ice, aliens in New York. He couldn't imagine what horrors played through Bucky's subconscious.

Steve threw back the covers and slowly approached the couch. Bucky's distressed mumbles were punctuated with soft noises in the back of his throat. Steve paused trying to decide the best course of action. He made a note to ask Sam the best way to deal with nightmare. While he was fairly confident he could protect himself, if it came to that, his main concern was keeping Bucky from hurting himself or doing something to cause S.H.I.E.L.D. to decide he was better off in their custody.

Bucky's metal arm tensed and slung out then curled back in over his head like he was protecting himself.

"Bucky." Steve called softly, then louder. "Bucky." He risked putting his hand gently on his friend's flesh arm.

The effect was instant. Bucky shot off the couch like a cannon ball. He pinned Steve to the ground growling and brought his metal arm up and across his throat.

Before he could press down, Steve flipped them so he was on top. He had to think of a way to snap Bucky out of it. He didn't want to fight back and give Bucky, already lost in the nightmare, another reason to keep defending himself.

Bucky lashed out again to flip him off, but Steve was ready. He let Bucky swing, miss and lose his balance, and then he grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard.

"Bucky, wake up!" He shouted.

Bucky started and pulled slightly away, but Steve wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"You're safe Bucky, it's me, it's Steve. You're here with me and you're safe."

Bucky went still for a few seconds. He then reached out to push Steve off, though it was more half-hearted this time. He sat back heavily on the floor. A pronounced tremor ran through him before he seemed to get a hold of himself.

Steve dropped to the ground beside him.

"You ok, pal?" He asked softly.

"What happened?" Bucky asked dazedly.

"Looks like you had a nightmare."

Bucky nodded.

"Wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head quickly.

"You want to try to sleep a few more hours?" Steve asked, not wanting to push for an explanation until Bucky was ready to trust him.

"No I won't be able to sleep for a while." Bucky said resignedly.

Steve nodded, he knew what that was like, even if he would like to see Bucky get some more rest, he trusted him to know his own reactions and recovery time.

"You want some coffee?"

"I don't know. I don't remember it." Bucky sounded as raw as Steve had ever heard him; then again his defenses were still down from the nightmare.

Steve bumped his shoulder gently. "You used to love it and it tastes a lot better now than it did when we were kids. I'll make some."

Steve got to his feet and headed to the kitchen. He didn't want to crowd Bucky. He'd give him a few minutes to compose himself.

Steve had just started pulled out the coffee cups when Bucky slowly entered the kitchen, walking like he was cautious, bone-dead tired or both.

Steve smiled sympathetically and handed him a cup. We have sugar and cream if you want it too.

Bucky hesitated. "How did I use to drink it?"

"Usually straight black, but sugar and cream were both luxuries in those day. Now they're everywhere." Steve laughed because he didn't know what else to do. "Sometimes you would put sugar in yours." He offered.

Bucky nodded and took a small sip. Sitting at the table drinking coffee with his best friend and for all for all the world was going to hell in a hand basket, Steve was fairly content at the moment.

He cleared his throat. "Did you…did you have nightmares a lot before." It was difficult walking the line between his very real desire the know everything about his best friend and not wanting to push Bucky away or make him uncomfortable. He may remember every detail of their history, but Bucky was still finding is bearings.

"With HYDRA? No." Bucky shook his head. "I was either in stasis or drugged. But now…every time I fall asleep..." He said softly looking into his coffee cup. He looked utterly dejected and Steve felt guilty for making him confess it.

They fell back into silence. After a few minutes Steve noticed Bucky's gazed fixed on something beyond his shoulder. Steve followed his eyes to the knife on the floor that he'd had never gotten around to putting up.

"Are you going to tell S.H.I.E.L.D. about last night?" Bucky asked quietly.

Steve frowned. "Of course not."

"I thought you might. You're supposed to report problems to them."

"It's none of their business. Besides, I would be afraid of where they would take you." Steve admitted.

"Maybe you should let them take me, you could get on with your life and I could be locked away forever." Bucky seemed to be deliberately not meeting his eyes.

Steve laughed bitterly. "Weren't you listening last night, I don't have a life. I want to help you through this. You deserve a life too."

"Don't be too sure about that." Bucky continued to stare that the knife, so Steve got up and put in in a drawer and sat back down.

"Hey, Bucky?" Finally Bucky looked up.

"Will you give this a chance?"

"What?"

"Life."

Bucky laughed but it didn't reach his eyes. "I know what life is, misery and death."

"It doesn't have to be." Steve argued.

"It is in my experience. You're the predator or the prey."

"Bucky, you've been hearing HYDRA for 70 year, listen to some other voices."

"I don't know whose voice to listen to anymore."

"You'll find your way. You're the strongest person I know. Just let me help you and don't give up."

"I can't make any promises." Bucky seemed more devastated by that admission than Steve felt.

"We'll just take it one day at a time. You can forge your life the way you want it."

Bucky froze solid. "It doesn't matter what I want. What is, is."

"Ok." Steve said slowly. "Well what is, is you're free from HYDRA. You don't have to do what they want. You don't have to do what anyone wants except yourself."

"You can't change the past." Bucky argued.

"No, the past is part of us, it part of what makes us who we are, but we can decide every day what we want to do with that day and the future, you don't have to answer now but just think about what you want out of life Bucky. We can get there. One day at a time."

Bucky didn't answer, so Steve tried his hand at pleading. "Please don't let me find you here again ready to end it, or worse you've already done it."

"I'll try. I suppose I owe you for snapping me out of HYDRA."

"You don't owe me anything Bucky." Steve said sincerely. "I want you to do it for you, not me."

Bucky scoffed, so he decided to let it drop. He'd told Bucky what he believed. And he would help him.

* * *

They sat at the table for a while. Steve could tell Bucky was tired and tense. He refused to sleep and Steve refused to leave him. On the bright side, it turned out Bucky loved coffee. He was on his third cup while Steve was still nursing his first and they were soon on their second pot.

Steve couldn't believe when he looked at the clock and it was 5 am. He got up and stretched. Bucky tired eyes meet his and Steve smiled.

"Let's get some breakfast so that coffee doesn't sit on an empty stomach. We need to get you healthy."

Food was not going to be another challenge. Bucky wouldn't tell Steve what he ate while with HYDRA. He had no opinion on the food Steve suggested; either that or he wasn't willing to express it. He mostly pushed the eggs around on his plate and at lunch only picked at the chicken Steve made. There was no way Steve was going to force him to eat but it dismayed Steve to see how thin Bucky was. He needed nourishment to heal but seemed to have no interest in eating. Steve knew what Bucky used to like but this version of his friend was much harder to read.

As he was cleaning up the lunch dished, his phone beeping indicated a text and he read it quickly before turning the screen toward Bucky.

"Sam Wilson asked if he could come over tomorrow. He was with me at S.H.I.E.L.D. and in Austin. Do you remember?"

Bucky's eyes narrowed. "With the wings?"

"Yeah that's him. Do you think you would mind if he came over?"

"Why?"

"He counsels people at the VA. He thinks he might be able to help you."

"Why would he want to help me?"

"He knows a little about what you went through with HYDRA." Steve said carefully. "He helps people, veterans return to a normal life"

His frowned deepened. "I don't need help."

"Bucky-."

"Is this because of last night?"

"A little. Steve was striving for total honesty with Bucky. "But mostly because of the crap you've been through over the last 70 years."

"Do whatever you want." Bucky's nostrils flared and he looked away.

"Bucky, you're not a prisoner here." Steve said softly.

Bucky raised his eyebrow and pointed at the tracing device on his arm. "Ok." Steve conceded. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is tracking you, but I don't want to ever do anything against your will. You have a say."

Bucky still didn't look convinced so Steve held up the phone. "If you say no, he won't come. I swear."

As he looked at Bucky his eyes almost seemed to thaw a little. "Do you think it would help?"

"I do. Sam's great at what he does. He's a friend I trust and I think he might be able to help you."

"Fine."

Steve was relieved as he text Sam, but then another though struck him that made him cringe. He cleared his throat hesitantly.

"Although speaking of people coming over." At Bucky glare, he raised his hands defensively. "I have no control over this one." He paused again before rushing through it. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending Natasha Romanoff. She was at the bridge too. Red hair."

"I remember." His friend said tightly. Steve could almost feel the air chill, but he kept calm.

"Director Fury is sending her to…"

"Take me out should it become necessary because you won't."

"No!" Steve burst out. "No."

"Are you saying that to convince you or me?"

"She's someone I trust too Bucky." He said quietly.

"Why is she coming?"

"S.H.I.E.L.D. thought it would be good to have her around." Even as he said it he knew how it sounded and he wished he had pushed Fury more. He knew Natasha was only coming as back up, but saying that to Bucky wouldn't relieve his paranoia at all.

"It wasn't my call." He said honestly. "They wanted to send her. I don't even know if she'll be around here or stay on the outside."

Bucky stiffened and Steve grimaced. He probably could have worded that better. Few things were probably worse to Bucky than people he wasn't sure he could trust lurking where he couldn't see them. Bucky appeared to have shut down, he stared hard at his hand and had hunched his shoulders forward.

"I'm sorry, Bucky." Steve said sincerely.

* * *

He hated this, it was just like HYDRA. People surrounding him he didn't know or trust. He supposed that was how life was.

It wasn't completely the same. Steve was glaring example. He only seemed concerned with Bucky's well being. At first that made him suspicious, then confused, now he almost felt sorry for the Captain. He was clearly clinging to the memory of a best friend he had loved like a brother. That man had been lost but the Captain couldn't let it go. That's why he was pouring so much of himself into trying to help a lost cause. The Asset had promised the Captain he would try to make life work, he had no idea what possessed to make that promise, but he had so he would try. And maybe one day he could be some semblance of that friend that was gone.

* * *

"Sir, I respectfully disagree."

"Noted and ignored. Your job is to bring him back. Disable his arm, subdue and extract him. We'll handle the rest."

"Look at all the resources he's cost HYDRA over the years of his training. He had to be constantly wiped. With the rate his brain cell regenerate there was never anything strong enough to mask his past completely. And look what he did to our safe houses, he's a lost cause."

"Agent, the resources we've spent on him is why we have to recover the Asset. He is a killing machine. Just point him in the right direction and watch him go. It's beautiful. Don't worry, he will be punished, then rebuilt again as HYDRA's weapon. If the damage is too much, we reserve the option to terminate him. But if it comes to that I want him to know who and why and I want it to be painful. You and Agent Kincaid will leave tonight."

* * *

**I hope you all have a safe and wonderful holiday. Thanks for reading and thanks for the reviews!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Got this one finished early. Hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

"You look exhausted, man." Sam said eyeing him critically. "Problems?"

Steve stepped aside to let Sam in the door.

"Nightmares. Bucky only gets a few hours, then it takes a couple for him to relax enough to sleep again." He said speaking quietly.

The nightmares were hard for Steve to listen to. Bucky had talked and thrashed and clawed and growled and cried out. Sometime he sounded angry, sometime pained, sometimes scared. They all ripped Steve apart. Sometimes Bucky would jolt himself awake which was just as well because the few times Steve tried to rouse him had resulted in a physical altercation much like the first one. All in all, Bucky never got more than a few hours' sleep at a time and Steve insisted on staying up with him when it happened.

"Add to that that I told him Natasha was coming and I think he's freaking out about that." Steve continued. "I called Agent Hill this morning and she doesn't know Natasha's exact ETA."

They walked through the house to the living room where Bucky was sitting with his back to them on the couch. Sam was a little surprised he hadn't turned around.

"Sam's here." Steve announced. Bucky seemed to rouse a little on the couch but didn't turn around. When they got around in front of him and Sam got a good look he barely managed to keep the grimace from his face. Bucky looked worse than Steve and not much better than the last time he'd seen him at the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility.

He tried for his brightest smile as he held out his hand. "Hey, man. I don't think we've properly met. Sam Wilson." Bucky held his gaze then his eyes cut to the duffel bag Sam held. Sam lifted the bag slightly. "Some DVDs and books for you and Steve."

Bucky nodded and slowly raised his hand to shake Sam's.

"I thought maybe we could talk." Sam said conversationally.

"Steve told me, you help…people." It seemed like it was an effort for him to even say that much.

"That's right; I'm hoping I can help you."

Bucky snorted and leaned back.

"Do I need to leave or stay?" Steve asked.

"I think for the first meeting it would be better if you stay but that's completely up to Bucky. Do you mind if I call you Bucky or would you prefer something else?"

"I don't care what you call me. Steve can stay."

"You want to go outside?" Sam suggested. "It's a gorgeous day and sitting in the sunlight helps beat away depression."

Bucky pointed to the device on his arm, tracking his movement. "I don't know my range before this thing goes off." He glanced at it then quickly ducked his head and chaffed his arm like he was ashamed for Sam to see it.

"I doubt the porch is off limits." Steve said. "That would be a nice change, we haven't really been outside."

They settled on the back porch. Bucky continued to stare at Sam. His expression was haunted, so different from the driven killer they had fought only a few months ago. It was almost hard to believe it was the same person.

Steve and Sam were both surprised when Bucky spoke first.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you and tore up your wings." He said simply and Sam saw guilt swimming in his eyes. Oh yeah, definitely a different person.

"No hard feelings." He said, meaning it.

"I don't understand." Bucky seemed to be getting agitated and Steve tensed. "Why do you want to help me? Why do either of you want to help me? I nearly killed both of you. I don't know what you want from me." He sounded beyond frustrated.

"We don't want anything from you Bucky. We just want you to get better." Steve said gently.

"That doesn't make any sense and that kind of thinking will get you killed."

"Bucky-." Steve started.

Sam held up his hand and turned to the former assassin.

"I think it would help you, Bucky, to realize we all have a common enemy."

Bucky cocked his head to the side.

"HYDRA basically kidnapped you and made you do things that you now feel guilty for. Would you have done what they told you to do if they hadn't made you forget who you are?"

"I don't know, there's no way to know."

Steve opening his mouth, but Sam stopped him again.

"Why did you decide to turn on HYDRA?"

Bucky was quiet. "I remembered…Steve on the bridge and then they wiped me. Then I saw…me…at the museum, who I used to be and I knew that they had lied to me."

"Right, they had to make you forget who you were in order for them to have any control over you. As soon as you remembered you turned on them. I'm familiar with the techniques of brainwashing and I'm willing to bet there was more involved than simply wiping your memory."

Bucky's mouth tightened.

"That's not important right now." Sam continued. "What you need to remember is HYDRA is our common enemy. They forced you to fight us. When we were fighting 3 months ago, our beef wasn't with you and your beef wasn't with us. We're on the same side, Bucky."

Steve didn't think he had ever been so grateful to anyone in his entire life. He could see the wheels turning in Bucky's head and while he didn't know if he would whole-heartedly embrace that explanation yet, he seemed to accept it for the moment.

"Ok, let me kind of explain what I do. I'm a counselor at the VA. I help veterans adjust to normal life after tours of duty. A lot of soldiers suffer from PTSD and I help them deal with the ramifications of that. Do you know what PTSD is?"

Bucky shook his head.

"It stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. It's how people respond to trauma they've experienced or witnessed. Some of the symptoms are nightmare and having trouble sleeping, flashbacks, feeling numb or angry, panic attack, memory problems, guilt or shame and severe anxiety."

"We used to call it shell shock." Steve offered.

"Right, even before it became an official medical condition people recognized it and its effects. PTSD is different than the average reaction to a traumatic event if it doesn't get better with time and it continues to disrupt your life even after several months. Its hold on you won't let go.

Bucky nodded and appeared to be taking in what Sam was saying.

"I try to help veterans deal with everyday life and triggers they might face. Like say you've been in the middle of a war zone and you come back home and your neighbor has a car that backfires. Sounds a lot like gunshots. The veteran can get pulled back in by a memory and have a flashback. Anything can trigger a flashback, it can be something that seems harmless. It's just an event or an object or an action that takes you back to that place. The treatment for PTSD is counseling or medication. I-."

"No!" Bucky shot out of his seat like it was on fire. "No." His eyes darted out to the yard like he was considering making a run for it.

Steve stood up just as quickly. "Bucky, its ok."

"No, I don't want to take anything. I don't need any drugs."

"You don't have to, I promise, no one is going to make you."

Sam slowly stood up and held his hands out apologetically. "Bucky, I'm sorry for bringing it up. I'm really not suggesting medication, most professionals don't, except as a last resort. I just wanted to let you know what's out there. I brought some other stuff that might help."

Sam grabbed the duffel bag he brought and shook it before sitting back down and unzipping it. Bucky looked warily at Steve who gave him a small smile and a nod. Bucky slowly sat back down but didn't relax.

Sam was pulling books out of the bag. "Today I just wanted to introduce myself and talk a little, then leave some materials with you. A lot of guys really don't want to talk at first, especially not a stranger. It's hard for them to show weakness around people they don't know if they can trust." He patted his chest. "You don't know me and I don't blame you if you don't trust me or don't want to spill your guts right away. I was hoping you could take the books and DVDs and use them at your own pace."

Sam laid out a variety of books and DVDs on the table outside. Bucky cautiously picked up a book and stared at it with his brow slightly furrowed.

Sam glanced at Steve with a mischievous glint in his eye. "You two old guys know how to work the DVD player or should I hook it up before I leave?"

Steve laughed and it felt good. "We figured it out, didn't we, Bucky."

Bucky nodded without looking up.

Sam smiled. "Bucky, the main you need to remember is that however you feel is a reaction to the trauma you've experienced. It's normal."

Bucky snorted. "Nothing about me is normal."

Sam smiled. "I can guarantee you your feeling are. Humans, we're mostly alike, we feel the same things and in most cases react the same way when we're hurt. A lot of these books and movies make a point to tell you that you're not alone, cause that's how it feels to people. Like everyone else has it together and they're the only ones struggling. There's also books discussing relaxation techniques and coping mechanisms."

Sam rubbed his hand together. He looked slightly more uneasy than before. "Do you mind if I ask you how much you remember." He asked gently.

Bucky frowned thoughtfully. He was learning his memories were sacred to him, like precious jewels that he was now allowed to keep. Hydra constantly wiped him; the only thing they wanted him to remember of the past was his training. Without the wipes and imprinting though, he was remembering more every day.

Memories of his childhood were always in pictures, no sound. There were people in them…people he assumed were parents and siblings, others he couldn't identify and Steve. Steve was in most of them, much smaller and sometimes almost sickly. He was usually smiling and sometimes laughing. His childhood memories were his favorite and he would sometimes sit and concentrate until his head hurt hoping to force them to appear.

His missions were the opposite, sounds, screams, feeling and sensations but few pictures for which he supposed he should be thankful. He didn't remember his time in the war at all and if he did they had gotten rolled into HYDRA memories. He probably remembered the most about his HYDRA handlers and training they had put him through. Those were the dreams that woke him up screaming or in a cold sweat.

He could certainly identify with what Sam described as small event triggering things. Over the last 3 months of traveling and fighting HYDRA he'd learned that something as simple as a penny lying in the street could trigger a memory. He never had any way of knowing what would trigger something and if the memory would be pleasant or horrible.

"Little pieces come back." He spoke slowly, thoughtfully. "It's been pretty regular since I left HYDRA and haven't been wiped or frozen."

He paused again. Sam nodded encouragingly. Steve looked very interested and it almost made him feel self-conscious. "Things happen during the day make me remember and I remember stuff and when I sleep."

"Do you have nightmares?"

Bucky swallowed thickly. "Yes, and then I remember."

"You ever have good dreams."

"No." Bucky said flatly. "I only remember good things when I'm awake."

Sam nodded and looked thoughtful. "Bucky…for what it's worth, I think leaving HYDRA took a lot of courage and I admire you for it. That's something you can be proud of, man."

Bucky looked surprised and then ashamed. He stared hard at his feet with his hands clenched at his side. Sam continued. "You might not believe it now but it's something you need to hear."

* * *

Steve shut the door after Sam and turned to Bucky.

"That went pretty good right?" Steve looked so hopeful it made Bucky's chest ache. He nodded.

Steve took a chance and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. He tensed but didn't move away. "I want to second what Sam said out there about the courage it took to leave HYDRA. And I meant what I said the other night in the kitchen. Bucky Barnes is the bravest man I know."

This time Bucky did move away, shaking his head. Steve let him retreat. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Which," Bucky waved his hand vaguely, "thing, DVD, do you want to watch?" He asked instead of answering.

All in all, Steve thought the day had gone great. Still, it had to be a lot for Bucky to process. Steve would just let him take his time. He put in the DVD and they settled to watch.

"I remembered you used to draw." Bucky said suddenly a few minutes into the program. He didn't know why he had wanted to wait until Sam left or why he had been so reluctant to share that, only it felt more special than some of the other memories.

Now though he was glad he told Steve. The other man seemed delighted and Bucky felt an unfamiliar warmth spread through him. Steve rotated in his chair so he was facing Bucky completely. "I did, I mean I do. Sometimes."

"What do you draw now?"

"Buildings, people, just things I see. I didn't bring my sketchbook with me or I would show you." He said regretfully.

Bucky nodded and hesitated.

"Do you remember something else?" Steve asked.

"I don't know, I'm not sure." He said frustrated.

"That's ok, Buck. There's no rush. You can think through it or talk through it, however you need to do. I'm willing to listen anytime."

Bucky pushed the feeling down, but he almost felt he was being watched while outside. It had disappeared for a while but now it was back. He couldn't think of a worse feeling in the world. Still it was just a feeling which was why he didn't mention it to Steve. Besides, it was most likely S.H.I.E.L.D., ready to take him out if necessary, or Natasha circling for the same reason.

* * *

Tony was also feeling watched, which didn't make any sense. Jarvis hadn't alerted him to any threats. He was in his lab, in his building, there was no way he could be more secure. Still he turned around to confirmed he was alone and yelped.

"Agg, geez what is wrong with you!?"

Natasha hopped down from the table nimble as a cat. "You know for a superhero you startle easy."

"It's my day off. How did you get in here?"

"My specialty is infiltrating places I'm not supposed to be."

"I have voice and iris recognition locks, automatic lockdown in case there's a breach, not to mention Jarvis."

Natasha smiled. "Pepper let me in."

"I knew it!" He muttered. "I have got to take away her access privileges."

"Uh-huh. I came here to talk to you about Steve."

"Steve in accounting? Nice guy, listens to rap. Can you believe it? A rapping accountant?"

"Steve Rogers."

"I doubt Steve Rogers knows anything about rap. I don't think he's made it that far in pop culture history."

"How would you know? Rumor is you haven't spoken to him in 3 months."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. is operating on rumors now, interesting. Can I start one?"

"He could have used your help looking for his friend."

"First of all, he's HYDRA's pet assassin, not someone you need as a friend. Second I recall hearing a "rumor" that you and Fury weren't exactly chomping at the bit to help him either."

"We're helping him now and I wanted to see if you would consider throwing your lot in as well."

"No." His voice lost the teasing quality.

"Stark-."

"I said no, you asked and I said no. Look, I know you know what happened to my parents so let's not dance around it. I know the theory is he was brainwashed and I guess I accept that. I'm not after they guy, I don't wish his any ill will, but I don't care what happens to him and I'm not going to help him."

Tony turned around and busied himself at his work table.

Natasha came up quietly behind him.

"Stark," She said softly. "Nothing is worse than waking up one day and realizing you were a pawn in someone else war and you were their puppet on a string. Never in control of anything, including your own life. I'm sorry about your parents, but he was not HYDRA's pet assassin. The things they did things to him that make your time in the desert look like a day at the park."

Tony kept working, didn't turn around.

"I think you should look deeper than HYDRA promotional sound bites." She placed a file on the table beside him. "See you around, Stark."

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Thank you for all who've taken the time to review. It means a lot to me. :)**

**On a related note. I just read the synopsis for Captain America 3 so there is a small rant below. This may be old news, but I just read it so it is new news to me. :) Scroll for CA 3 spoilers**

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

****Captain America 3 spoilers****

**So apparently in CA3 Steve and Tony on different sides of the superhero registration issues. I really think this would have been the better plot of an Avengers movie rather than Captain America. I have nothing against Tony or the other Avengers but it seems, in this plot, that Iron Man and possibly other superheros will require the same amount of screen time as Captain America. Again nothing against him, I quite enjoy the Iron Man films, but it just seems a little unfair for them to have to share their movies. (Or maybe its only unfair to the fans, lol)**


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is pretty short, but it is kind of a transition chapter into the next one where the action happens.**

* * *

Steve was in the kitchen making lunch. Bucky had indicated it would be fine so he'd decided to let Sam and Bucky talk alone today. The last few days had been a roller coaster. His friend's moods were hard to predict. One moment it was like old Bucky was back and Steve could almost pretend things were the way they used to be. Then, just like that, he would switch to angry and defensive and nothing Steve said could break the barrier between them. Sam said that was normal. Often time's people who had been victimized were angry at their helplessness in the situation and would attempt to reassert control over their lives. Since survivors didn't often have the opportunity to take out their anger out on those who had actually hurt them, they would instead lash out at the people close to them.

Steve hated those times, not just because it separated him from Bucky now, but because it reminded him of all Bucky had been through and was still dealing with. He was learning to accept it though and take each situation as it came.

He was trying to help Bucky make some good memories too. It wasn't terribly easy since they were confined to the house, but Steve tried to make the most of it by meticulously watching to relearn Bucky's preferences, preference he used to know almost as well as he knew himself. Time and HYDRA had stripped that away from them as well. Recently, he'd learned that Bucky liked coffee and popcorn. He didn't like eggs, no matter how they were cooked. He really liked the movie Sandlot, they both did. They had watched it multiple times and Bucky had almost, almost, smiled on more than one occasion. The boys in the movie reminded Steve of simpler times before the war.

Bucky also really seemed to want to see Steve draw. It was apparently one of the clearer memories from their childhood. Steve found a small notepad and pens in one of the kitchen drawers drawers he could use. He also text Sam asking if he would pick him up a sketch pad. He forgot how much he missed drawing; he hadn't drawn in a while. It had seemed selfish to take time for himself while they were looking for Bucky.

He strained his ear to pick up on any disturbances outside. He trusted Sam implicitly with Bucky, but he didn't want Bucky to feel like he abandoned him so he'd made point of making several trips out there to check on things. Over the last few days Bucky had watched the DVDs Sam left and paged through a few of the books. He seemed serious about getting better and Steve was more than happy to provide any assistance.

Sam had invited Bucky and Steve to go to a meeting as soon as S.H.I.E.L.D. cleared him to leave. Bucky balked and was decidedly less thrilled about being in a crowd of people but Steve and Sam had both assured him he didn't have to go until he was ready or never at all, if he didn't want to.

Steve was glad Sam was here today to give Bucky some more tools to cope because tomorrow Agent Hill was coming and wanted to discuss Bucky's future.

* * *

Everywhere Tony went the file Romanoff left seemed to follow him. He didn't need to ask Jarvis to know Pepper was behind this. Damn her and her freaky ninja ways and nearly unlimited access to the tower.

Tony finished his fourth glass of whiskey and stared at the file. He pulled it toward him, knowing even as he did it he didn't want to, and flipped it open. The file wasn't too thick; still it was detailed and seemed to only recount one specific mission of the Asset.

Reading past the clinical tone of an official report, Tony got the picture of a confused young man, who had already endured years of experiments and brainwashing. Some of the methods used were referenced with passing casualness as if they were talking about adding a part on a gun or trying out weapon's modification. Which Tony supposed, to them, that's probably what it was.

The report irritably recounted the Asset's hesitation at being asked to take out Stark. Though, when pressed, he didn't know why. The impatience to have this mission finished drove HYDRA's senior officers to ignore the handlers' recommendations for more programming and training. He was dispatched anyway. Their trepidation proved true when the Asset went the opposite direction of his target's location and then failed to appear at the extraction area.

He was quickly retrieved and put through another round of reconditioning and imprinting, tortured into submission for all intents and purposes, before eventually being sent out again.

Tony stared at the file for a long time. He sighed and poured himself another drink.

"Jarvis. Pull HYDRA files."

"Any in particular, sir."

"Yes, any that reference the Asset."

* * *

He had moved from glasses of alcohol to bottles. Toward the end of his second one, he pulled out his phone and fumbled through a text to Natasha.

* * *

**Thank you so very much for reading!**


	13. Chapter 13

Bucky was keyed up about something, but he refused to tell Steve what is was. Steve didn't think it had been Sam's visit and nothing unusual had happened today, well, nothing unusual for them.

They were both tired, exhausted really. Bucky still wasn't sleeping well and Steve didn't know if he ever really would. And after finding Bucky that first night, about to do the unthinkable, Steve now sprang awake at the slightest sound.

Since that night, neither had returned to their own rooms. Bucky never made any move to go back to his, seeming content to sleep, what little time he could, on the couch and Steve used the excuse of falling asleep to the TV to stay beside him in the recliner. Steve often wondered if Bucky wanted to be alone, but he never gave any indication he was annoyed with Steve's presence.

They were sitting quietly in their respective seats after Sam left and evening fell. Bucky was reading and Steve was drawing. Every now and then he would turn the sketch pad around and show Bucky. Steve's drawings seemed to be one of the few things Bucky took a genuine interest in and Steve was happy to indulge him.

"Steve." Bucky's quiet voice caused Steve to snap his head up. He hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep.

"Yeah?" He asked shaking his head to clear it.

"Go to bed."

"What?"

Bucky had put down the book he was reading and was watching Steve intensely. "I can't sleep, you can. There's no reason for both of us to be sleep deprived. So go to bed. You look like crap."

"I can sleep here." Steve defended. "I _was _asleep until you woke me up." He said mock accusingly. Steve was learning that sometimes he could gently tease Bucky. Most times he couldn't, Bucky took everything too literally, and Steve understood that. Still he hoped the friendly snark that had defined their friendship and colored their childhood would reach Bucky in ways other things hadn't been able to.

"You've been sleeping in that chair for days and its clearly not doing you any favors. Go to sleep in your bed."

"I…can't."

Bucky's face darkened. "You don't trust me."

"No, that's not it." Steve said quickly. He paused and Bucky looked at him expectantly. "I would feel guilty." He finally admitted.

"Why?" Bucky seemed genuinely puzzled.

"Because I would be sleeping when you can't."

"So it's better for me to feel guilty because I'm keeping you up at night?"

"You don't have to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty. I'm a grown adult, and I can sleep where I want."

"You're sleeping out here because of me and we both know it."

"I don't mind, Bucky, really I don't. The chair's fine."

"Liar. I don't mind you sleeping in an actual bed. What's the difference in what you mind and what I mind? Let's just skip the argument."

Steve hesitated. "What if you need something?"

"You're not sleeping in Europe; you're in the next room."

Steve frowned again. Bucky turned toward the TV, effectively ending the conversation. "Put in Sandlot before you go."

* * *

The Soldier didn't actually want to be alone. But there was no sense both of them being miserable. He was perfectly capable of handling miserable alone; he'd been doing so for years. He wasn't afraid of what was around him. He was afraid of himself. Steve being near was mercy and torture. Steve treated him like a person and a friend and, sometimes, that made it easier to act like one. But his programming also screamed at him to kill. Sometimes he saw the Captain's face and orders were all he heard. It would be so easy to fall back on what he knew.

He promised Steve he wouldn't do anything, but he wished, not for the first time, that when HYDRA had found him in the snowy ground, that they would have just killed him.

He also needed to be away from Steve because he was afraid the discussion would eventually turn to his obvious unease throughout the day. He knew Steve could tell, but he hoped he wouldn't ask because he really had no explanation for it. He'd felt like a caged tiger all day, pacing the house with nothing to do but wait. For what, he didn't know.

As the movie ended, Bucky heaved himself off the couch to check the perimeter for the fifth time in an hour. That was another reason he didn't want to sleep, but it would be best for Steve too. With Steve asleep in his room, the Soldier was free to conduct his checks without interference or questions.

He checked each entrance on the front of the house. There was nothing there, he didn't know if he was glad his paranoia was proving wrong or dismayed that his senses could be so off.

He reached the door to the back porch and peered out.

It all happened at once, glass shattered in front of him and to his side. He swung and hit flesh; it was followed by a satisfying thud as the body hit the wall. The Soldier's mind quickly cataloged the weapons in his vicinity. None obvious, but he was more than adept at improvising. His eyes caught another figure in his peripheral swinging a baton toward his head. He easily grasped it with his metal arm and twisted down. As soon as he did, he felt a small thin metal rod shoved under the plates near the joint and main circuits.

White hot pain shot through his body and he barely managed to stay on his feet despite it. The metal arm couldn't feel per se but it was intricately connected to his nerves and spine to allow him to control it and feel what was happening. He was still trying to get his bearings when he heard yelling and two more figures appeared.

His heart sank. He could, and had in the past, handled 3 times this many, but with unknown damage to his arm and no weapons on him, he wasn't looking forward to the fight.

_Steve's asleep_, the thought sprang up in his mind. It surprised and dismayed the Soldier how much that thought of Steve being ambushed upset him.

It only took him seconds to realize one of the new arrivals was Steve. Bucky let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He could take care of the others that HYDRA sent, because there was no way he was going back, not ever. He would die first.

The Soldier grabbed the closest intruder by the throat and lifted them over his head. He could tell by the weight it was a woman. A flash of red caught his eye. He paused. His eyes meet hers and he stopped. He heard Steve yell in the background. It was the woman from the bridge, Natasha Romanoff. Steve said was sending her and he trusted her.

The Soldier stared at her for a few seconds longer. Then slowly, against every instinct and training and programming screaming through him he lowered her and released his grip on her neck.

She dropped to the ground, gasping for breath. She staggered to her feet and, barely sparing him a second glance, she darted through the door to follow the second agent who had taken the opportunity and escaped.

Bucky stood frozen. Steve was hauling one of the intruders off the ground. "You ok, Buck?" He asked over his shoulder.

Bucky didn't answer. He turned his attention to his arm, slowly rotating it and grimacing. He flexed his fingers and concentrated on shifting the mechanisms inside back into place. His handlers had never let him learn much about his arm or the workings but there were some things they had to tell him so he could keep it functioning in the event of mishaps during a mission until he could be retrieved. He knew the basics and he knew the workings of the arm were designed to move until they fit back into place together. If he could just move it enough.

Natasha appeared back in the doorway. "Sorry, Cap, he's gone."

"We've got this one anyway." Steve hesitated for a beat. "Bucky?"

"What?" He snapped. His arm was sending fire to his torso and it felt…odd.

Steve made quick work of restraining their captive and came over to gently lay a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "How's your arm?"

Bucky made a non-committal noise.

"Stark could look at it if there's a problem." Natasha chimed in.

Steve shot her a look Bucky couldn't decipher, which didn't really matter because there was no way he was letting someone, a stranger, look at his arm.

Steve looked resigned. "Maybe we should. I hate to drag Tony into this but…"

"No, no, no absolutely not."

"You're arm-."

"Is nobody's damn business. I can handle it." He growled.

"Bucky-."

"No! You said you I was free to choose. And I said no." He was appalled at how desperate he sounded even to his own ears, but he didn't care. Things were rapidly spinning out of control and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Bucky I'm not trying to force you." Steve said evenly. "I'm trying to convince you to accept help. I saw what they did to your arm. Are you saying it's nothing?"

"I'm saying it's designed to realign and repair itself."

"I'm sure it is to a certain extent, but how much is too much?" Steve argued.

"It's operational and functional." He moved it to prove his point, doing his best to hide the agony it caused him.

"Are you trying to convince you or me?"

Bucky scowled at him.

"Ok," Natasha said, breaking the tension, "so no go on the arm. What are we going to do with this one?" She jerked her thumb to the agent on the floor.

"Turn him over to S.H.I.E.L.D." Steve said grabbing the phone and punching in the number.

Bucky stalked over to where their captive was tied on the floor.

"Why are you here?" He demanded.

"I've come to retrieve HYDRA'S weapon."

"I'm not HYDRA's weapon."

The agent smirked. "You're whatever they want you to be. Come back to where you belong."

Bucky crouched down till he was at eye level and spoke softly but with a lethal tone. "I will never go back to HYDRA. And if I have to kill every operative I find, all the way up to the top, to send that message, so be it."

The agent just smiled, unfazed.

Suddenly Steve was beside the Soldier pulling him up. Part of him wanted to jerk away, but in reality his adrenaline was crashing and he was too tired to resist as Steve brought him into the kitchen and set him in a chair, facing the door, the way he liked. He then went to the sink and filled a glass up with water.

"Drink this." He said placing it in front of Bucky. He pulled another chair up beside Bucky and sat down. "You're not going back, Bucky." He said earnestly in an answer to Bucky's unspoken whirling thoughts. "I'll never let them take you back."

"What now?" Natasha asked coming into the kitchen.

"Well, I think someone should stay with the prisoner." Steve said pointedly.

"He's unconscious." She said calmly.

Steve's eyebrows went up almost comically. "How did that happen?"

"Really Steve?" She deadpanned.

"Never mind"

"I thought it would be better." She defended. "This way, Barnes doesn't have to listen to him; we don't have to guard him. Win-win."

Steve sighed. "Agent Hill said she's sending someone over and we'll be moving to a new safe house." He noticed Bucky staring at Natasha and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, you two haven't officially met. Bucky, this is Natasha Romanoff." Bucky give her a small tight nod in acknowledgment but still regarded her with suspicious eyes.

"We still have the one who got away." She said turning to Steve.

"Did you get a good look at them? Steve addressed Bucky.

"Not really." He said reluctantly.

"Hopefully they can get some information out of the other one." Natasha said.

"Maybe. I don't know if Agent Hill is going to send you to the safe house with us or after him. I wasn't sure where Fury had in mind for you to end up."

"I think he wanted me here, to provide you two with backup. Agent Hill has some agents she can send."

Bucky felt he should have some input, he just didn't know what it should be at the moment. He was too tired to contemplate much. He tried unsuccessfully stifled a yawn.

Steve stopped and looked at him. It killed Bucky how much compassion he always had in his eyes when he regarded Bucky and this time was no different.

"Hey Buck, why don't you lay down and try to rest a little before they come?" He suggested softly.

Bucky snorted.

Natasha, who he still wasn't convinced he should trust, and a HYDRA agent were both in the house. Another HYDRA agent was loose and S.H.I.E.L.D. was on their way. Here he was, barely able to move his arm...Steve was lucky Bucky let his eyes close to blink.

He shook head slowly. "I'm staying up."

Steve looked like he wanted to argue, but decided better of it. Instead he got up and put on a pot of coffee. He then opened one of the kitchen drawers and came back to the table with a deck of playing cards.

"You remember how to play poker?" Bucky shook his head again. "Nat, you know how to play?"

"Are you kidding, I invented bluffing."

Steve laughed. "Let's see about that."


	14. Chapter 14

The move to the safe house went well enough. After clearing it with Agent Hill, Steve text Sam their location and a rundown of what had happened, to keep him in the loop.

Bucky was sullen and silent the whole trip. Steve knew he couldn't control everything, but he had hoped they wouldn't have to disrupt the routine they had set up too much. This definitely could be classified as a disruption. With Bucky's arm damaged and HYDRA looking for him, Steve couldn't blame him for being on edge.

As she was leaving, Agent Hill signaled Steve to meet her outside.

"We've got a team searching for the other HYDRA agent." She told him once they were out of earshot. "Without a description there wasn't much to go on though."

"Yeah," Steve said regretfully, "I know.

"So…how are things?" She asked.

"Other than being attacked in the "safe" house, things were great." Steve said. It came out a little snarkier than he meant for it too, but he couldn't bring himself to be too sorry.

She nodded apologetically. "I wanted to talk today about Sargent Barnes' progress and a few other leads, but when I got here I figured you would want to wait until things have had a chance to settle again."

"That would be better." Steve cast a glance back at the house. "He's a rattled."

"I'm sure."

"When can we get out of here?"

"You have some other place to be?"

"Not necessarily, but as long as we're in S.H.I.E.L.D. safe houses, Bucky's essentially in your custody and I'd just like to change that status at some point."

"I understand, but we need to know he's safe. Safe from people who wish to harm him, like HYDRA, and safe for others to be around. Mr. Wilson's assessment would go a long way with that. I'd like to speak to him about the work you all have been doing. We're also running down some of the intelligence Sargent Barnes gave us. Give us a few more days and I'll give you a better timetable."

Steve knew that was the best he was going to get at the moment. At least he didn't have to worry about the report Sam would give them. Things had been going well, really well until HYDRA came along and Steve cursed the setback.

* * *

Despite Bucky's insistences, his arm did not get better and in fact seemed to be getting worse. Several time throughout the day Steve observed him attempting to manipulate his arm, always with a slight grimace. After the third time and the third glare, Steve stopped bringing it up. A couple of times he would have sworn he heard a slightly electrical crackling coming from the arm, but Bucky would never let him get close enough to look. In fact, since they arrived at the safe house, it was like Steve and Bucky were back to square one.

Bucky generally steered clear of Steve and Natasha, staying in his room or in the only chair in the living room that faced the outside. Steve missed him.

At lunch, when Bucky would only reach with his right arm while keeping his left unusually still beside him, Steve could keep silent no more.

"We need to deal with your arm Bucky. I know it's hurting you."

Bucky continued to pick at his food, ignoring him.

"We could still call Tony." Natasha said. Bucky glared at her.

"We don't want to do anything you don't want." Steve pacified. "But you have to be reasonable. It hasn't fixed itself and the chances are that it won't without some type of help."

"Why do you care?" Bucky muttered bitterly.

Steve was a taken aback. "You're my friend and-."

"Wrong!" He slammed his hands against the table as he stood, startling Steve and Natasha. "Your friend fell of a train in 1944 and died. I'm what's left. You're just going to have to get used to that." He whirled around and went into his room, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

For all his bravado at the table, he barely made it to the bed before his legs gave out from under him. He sat down heavily and let his pounding head drop in his hands. He knew Steve hadn't deserved that outburst but when did people ever get what they deserved?

He was exhausted and his head had been aching for hours. His shoulder hurt worse than he could ever remember and the pain was sending cold shivers through his body. He could never remember HYDRA letting it get this bad. His comfort had never mattered to them but they did want him in top form for missions so any damage was quickly repaired. Now, without someone to fix it, he didn't know what he would do.

Everything was spinning out of control. The Captain frustrated and unnerved him. He didn't know, had no frame of reference as to how to react to the kindness Steve showed him. To make matter worse, the Captain's safety was beginning to concern him. He couldn't remember every feeling afraid for someone. But last night, he had been genuinely troubled by the thought that HYDRAs agents would attack Steve while he slept. It was an absurd idea really, Captain America could take care of himself; he certainly didn't need an assassin to look after him.

The Soldier would always be an assassin. There was no way to quell the darkness coursing through him. When he saw the HYDRA agent last night, a murderous rage threatened to take over. If he had been alone he would have killed him, just like he'd been killing HYDRA operatives for the last three months. Just like he'd killed dozens of people in the last 70 years. No remorse, no mercy.

When he had grabbed Natasha by the neck, it took every ounce of his will to set her down even after he recognized who she was. He'd been stupid to think the programming was gone. It was only barely hidden.

He laid down, hoping he could get a couple of hours of sleep and wouldn't feel worse. He pushed down the rising guilt and shame of snapping at Steve, the only person to ever see good in him. He was who he was, Steve was holding onto someone that no longer existed and that was hardly the Soldier's fault.

He drifted into an uneasy sleep. He wasn't sure if he was awake or dreaming, when he felt a jolt. He scrambled into a sitting position with a yelp. The room slowly faded and HYDRA's lab surrounded him.

_No! no, no, no!_ He was back; they had gotten him back and were going to wipe him. All the memories he had regained, would be gone. Every precious one he'd fought for, sitting and thinking until his head ached, just waiting for a sliver of a memory. They would be gone and only the emptiness of HYDRA would be left.

His arm might prevent him from fighting but he could escape until he was able to fight.

* * *

Steve looked crushed as Bucky's door slammed shut.

"Buck up, Cap. He's probably still freaked out by HYDRA and, well…me. Just give him some space."

"Yeah." He said absently, still staring at the doorway. "You're right." He didn't feel that way though. It felt like he was watching all the progress he had made in gaining Bucky's begrudging acceptance slipping through his fingers and he couldn't stop it.

Deep down he knew Bucky's actions and reactions at the moment were probably due to being shaken by HYDRA, but that didn't necessarily make it easier. He sighed and looked back at Natasha who was patiently waiting.

"I'm glad you're here anyway," he smiled sadly, "even if it is freaking Bucky out."

"I bet a lot of things are freaking him out." She said dryly

"He wasn't thrilled when he heard you were coming. I was afraid he would hurt you last night." Steve admitted.

A strange look crossed her face and she paused. "I wasn't."

He gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"

"When he looked at me," she explained, "I could his eyes were different. Last time, it was like a robot, going through the motion. No one at home. Dead, like I could have said or done anything, begged him and he wouldn't have blinked."

Steve flinched.

"Sorry. Anyway this time he looked…angry, really angry…but scared too." She stopped and stared in her coffee. She stayed quiet so long Steve wasn't sure if she was finished. Then she stared speaking again. "He knew HYDRA wasn't coming to kill him." She looked Steve in the eye. "He knew they were coming to retrieve him and take him back and I think he was afraid."

She shrugged. "I guess he still could have hurt me but I was prepared to disable him if I had to. I didn't really want to hurt him either though."

"He's been doing pretty good." Steve said quietly. He felt a twinge of pride at all Bucky had endured but he hadn't given up. He hesitated and rotated his coffee cup in the hands.

"Look…Nat, I know you were trying to help by suggesting we take him to Tony, but I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Because of Tony's parent." Steve almost smiled. Whatever else anyone wanted to say about Natasha, they could never accuse her of beating around the bush.

"You know he wouldn't purposely hurt Barnes." She said..

"I'm not afraid of that." He said quickly. "Well I am a little. Not physically, but you know how snarky he is. I don't know if Bucky could handle his humor, or whatever he calls it." He let out a breath through his nose. "It's just…I don't blame Bucky for _anything_ he did with HYDRA, but I also figure Tony has a right to be upset. They were his parents. And he made it pretty clear he didn't want to help. He stopped answering my calls when I was looking for Bucky. I would like his help but I understand too. Bucky's been through hell but that doesn't give me a right to override Tony's feeling either."

"That's very Captain America of you," she said dryly, "but I've taken care of it. Tony said anything you need, to let him know."

"How did you pull that off?"

"Trade secret."

Steve still looked unsure.

"Look I didn't force him either. I just talked to him. He made that decision himself."

Steve finally nodded. "Thank you. That would be helpful. Bucky's going to need to have his arm looked at sooner or later. The problem will be getting him to admit it."

* * *

They were still sitting at the kitchen table when they heard a sharp cry from Bucky's room. Natasha had reacted quicker but Steve was faster and reached the bedroom door first. He knocked sharply.

"Bucky? You ok in there?" The room behind the door was now eerily silent. Steve hoped Bucky had only had a nightmare and was working to compose himself.

He gave it a few more beats and then knocked again. "Bucky?"

No answer. "Bucky I'm coming in." He called. He hated to do it, but he hated the thought of Bucky being alone in pain or distress more.

The door swung wide to an empty room.

He heard Natasha curse behind him as he rushed forward, jumping out the open window. Horrible scenarios swirled in his head. What if HYDRA had come for him again? What if someone else did? Any number of agencies were bound to have him on their list? What Bucky fled on his own? And if he did, was Steve's the cause?

Outside there was only one set of footprints leading from the house. That only fractionally eased Steve's mind that HYDRA or another outside group wasn't involved. Which left the possibility that Bucky had left of his own accord.

The footprints led to the highway where they disappeared. Steve stood looking up and down the road at a loss as to which was to go. There was no sign of Bucky and no traces of where he might have gone. A chill settled over Steve's heart. He hurried back to the house to form a plan with Natasha. When he got there she was just getting off the phone.

"Yeah, got it." She hung up, her mouth a narrow line.

"S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

"Yeah, the tracking device is in arm was disabled. S.H.I.E.L.D. is sending out a unit." She nodded toward the outside. "You think it was HYDRA?"

"I don't think so. I don't know. It doesn't add up. There was no struggle in this room, but we both heard him yell. There's only one set of footprints outside though. I think we need to consider the possibility that he left on his own. But why would he yell and alert us?"

Steve stared hard at the room like if he looked long enough Bucky would appear.

Natasha cleared her throat. "What's the plan?"

"I need you to do me a favor." Steve said turning to her.

"Anything."

"When we find Bucky, you can't tell S.H.I.E.L.D." A look passed over her face that he didn't want to acknowledge as sympathy. "They'll take him back and that's the last thing he needs right now."

"Steve," she said slowly, "maybe some people can't be rehabilitated. I'm not saying he wasn't a good friend to you and I'm not saying he probably wasn't HYDRA's greatest victim in all this. But he's been stripped down to nothing for years and filled up with HYDRA. You don't get rid of brainwashing overnight. Believe me."

Steve shook his head furiously. "He was doing good." He argued. "He really was. You said yourself he looked different. Hell, he's been fighting HYDRA on his own for months. He's running now because something's wrong I know it. If you don't want to be involved I understand but if that's the case I'll have to go by myself."

She smiled slowly. "Who am I to say no to Captain America? I feel like I sort of owe you. Where do you think he's heading?"

"I have no idea. I don't even know why he ran." Steve tried to think about where Bucky was likely to go, but since he had no inkling of what drove him to leave, he wasn't really sure what he was thinking.

"Maybe he went after the other HYDRA agent." She suggested.

"Maybe." Steve said absently. Something was nagging him at the back of his mind. He could almost touch it but not quite.

"When you found him the first time, what did you say to make him come back with you?" She asked suddenly.

"I told him I would help him. He would be safe and I would help him get his life back." Steve couldn't believe that had only been a week ago.

"I'm surprised that was enough." Natasha mused.

"He was tired." Steve remembered. "And rundown when we found him. I think he was just tired of running."

"I see."

"He wasn't brainwashed permanently you know, HYDRA had to rewipe him a lot. They speculated it was because of his regenerating brain cells. They didn't think it would ever be permanent."

"So the longer he's out of cyro and the less he was wiped, the more he remembers?"

Steve nodded. "I think so. I can't give up on him, Natasha. I just can't."

"I know." She said quietly.

"Let's take a drive and see what we can see." Steve suggested.

* * *

It turned out there was not a lot to see. Steve was getting frustrated when his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and flipped it open.

"Did you find him?"

"No," Agent Hill replied, "but the police scanner is reporting a man matching his description running in the area heading north. He was alone. We're sending a team that direction to find him and intercept him before he goes much further."

Something clicked with Steve just then as she continued. "You're welcome to meet us there, but Sargent Barnes will be coming back to S.H.I.E.L.D. with us. I'm sorry but you both knew the rules." She said apologetically.

"Thanks for the heads up." He replied.

"Are you coming?"

"We called Sam, waiting on him. We'll catch up."

"Fine."

Steve hung up and turned to Natasha, who was looking at him strangely. "What was that about?"

"I know where he is…sort of…I hope."

"Ok."

"We do need to call Sam though."

Sam answered on the second ring. "Hey man, everything ok?"

"Not really, Bucky left."

"Crap, what happened? Was it HYDRA?"

"I'm not sure, I don't think so, but I don't know why. I think know where he might be though. Are you somewhere you can look up something for me?" Steve relayed the information.

"Got it. You need me there?"

"I don't want to put you out; it's a drive from DC."

"I'm off today, drive might do me good. Sounds like you could probably use the help."

"I would love the help, especially when we find him. Thanks. I'm not 100% sure why he ran so if this plan doesn't work, we'll need all hands on deck looking."

Steve hung up and parked the car to wait for Sam's reply.

Natasha turned in her seat to face him. "Explain. What's the deal with asking Sam to look up old car places and garages and junkyards?"

"Did you know Bucky escaped from HYDRA three times while he was with them?"

"I knew about two."

"Three times with HYDRA, he went out on a mission and didn't come back. Each time they found him, less than 10 miles from his extraction point, holed up somewhere. A warehouse full of tires, a junkyard and a garage behind a mechanics house."

"So he likes cars."

"It's more than that. I think you were right before. He was afraid. And if there something wrong with his arm, running would expose him. I think he would try to find a place to hunker down. Somewhere he felt safe. Safe and familiar."

"So cars…"

"Bucky's dad was a mechanic during the war, when he got back he was able to get work in a garage. He and his dad were close and Bucky spent a lot of time at the garage, doing odd jobs and helping. He loved it there; it was like a second home."

Natasha seemed skeptical. "Are you sure? That seems like a pretty small connection to get through years of brainwashing."

"It is what it is. I doubt he knows why he does it. And I can guarantee you HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D. don't know. They're looking at him like he's a robot without a past, the Winter Soldier. I'm looking for Bucky Barnes."

"The person he is now is probably somewhere in between." Natasha reminded him.

Steve was saved from reply by his phone beeping with a text from Sam. He had found several locations that fit the description and relayed the address to Steve. It would take Sam a couple of hours to get to them but he would meet them when he could.

Steve pulled out onto the road. After several miles he noticed Natasha staring at him.

"What?"

"You know a lot about his time with HYDRA don't you."

"I looked at those files every day for three months. I think I read through them completely four times at least. Stuff I needed to know to find him and understand him and for situations like this." He didn't mention that he had read enough of the scientific reports to fill his nightmares for ten lifetimes. Bucky endured procedure, training and experiments that Steve wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. Reading those reports had become a morbid obsession for three months. Steve searched them fervently to find anything that could help them find Bucky or know how to help him once they did.

Natasha was smiling at him, her slow indecipherable smile like she already knew anyway.

"You're a good friend Steve."

* * *

**Thank you to all those who have reviewed. Your kind words brighten my day! Have a good weekend everyone! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**This chapter is a bit late, but I've been sick. So the bad news is my next chapter will be late too since I will be catching up on the work I've missed. :(**

* * *

The fourth place they'd checked out was a bust. No sign of Bucky. Natasha searched silently alongside Steve. If she believed their pursuit to be a waste of time, she refrained from saying so.

Steve glanced at his watch as they pulled up at their next location. "Sam should be here in about 30 minutes. Then we can split up. You two go one way and I'll go the other."

"Affirmative."

They were at abandoned parts warehouse that looked like it had been shut down for years. They circled the building and Steve found a door that had been pried open. He raised a finger to his lips for quiet and they slipped inside the door. There were several floors to cover, so Steve headed upstairs leaving Natasha to cover the first floor.

* * *

Steve actually heard Bucky before he saw him.

It was a miserable sound, embodying the suffering of the individual who made it. Steve stepped carefully around the corner and felt his shoulders sag with relief. There was Bucky, alone, in a corner with a metal pipe clutched in his flesh hand, his left arm hanging at his side. He was shaking and mumbling to himself.

Steve pulled out his phone and text Natasha and Sam. _Found him, 3__rd__ floor. Be careful._

The pipe Bucky was holding looked like it could do some damage. He didn't want to give Bucky and reason to use it and right now his friend didn't look all too aware of what was happening around him.

Steve approached cautiously, calling his name softly.

Bucky jerked, but didn't look up. Steve inched closer, watching Bucky closely while continuing to talk to him.

By the time Steve was within arm's length, Bucky still hadn't looked up and continued mouthing almost silently. Steve ducked his head in an attempt to meet Bucky's eyes. But his friend didn't acknowledge him. He needed to get Bucky's focus back to the present, not lost in whatever hellish nightmare he was apparently experiencing.

Since Bucky still wasn't responding to his words, Steve took a chance and placed a gentle hand on Bucky's shoulder, right above the metal joint. The other man flinched away but otherwise didn't acknowledge his presence. Steve's heart ached but he kept a careful eye on the weapon in his hand.

"Hey, Bucky. It's me, Steve. It's going to be, ok." Still no response. "Why don't you let me have that?" He tried to keep his voice light, calm and warm as he grasped the pipe while at the same time squeezing Bucky's shoulder.

That didn't stop Bucky from losing it.

"Umph!" The air rushed out of Steve as Bucky hit him like a linebacker. Steve landed hard and barely managed to dodge a Bucky's fist. Under normal circumstances Bucky would have the advantage, having ended up on top, but he wasn't using his left arm and his attack was uncoordinated and almost frantic.

It wasn't difficult for Steve to flip Bucky off of him and it was unsettling how easy it was to pin him down. He still hadn't gained much weight back over the past week and if his sleep patterns were any indication, he had to be exhausted.

Steve finally caught a glimpse of his eyes and could see they were blow wide and bloodshot. A chill ran through him at the lack of recognition. Steve got ahold of the pipe and flung it across the room.

There was that horrible noise again, coming from the back of Bucky's throat. Steve decided if he never heard Bucky make that sound ever again, it would be too soon.

He sensed Natasha come in behind him but all his focus was on Bucky who was still struggling as Steve hauled him into a sitting position.

"No!"

"Bucky I'm not going to hurt you." _And I'd rather you didn't hurt me._

Bucky tried to jerk away, panting. He eyes were bouncing widely around the room, looking everywhere but at Steve.

"You're safe, Bucky." He said softly, trying for words and a tone he was sure HYDRA would never have used with someone they considered a weapon and nothing more.

Bucky shook his head from side to side, slumping further down and hanging his head. Steve heard mumbles under his breath. "No, no, no, no…"

Steve's heart clenched, but the fight seemed to have gone out of Bucky for the moment so Steve quickly and gently checked him over for injuries. Bucky hadn't allowed him to examine him last night and now Steve was afraid he'd missed something. The obvious weakness during the fight, lack of recognition and constant flinching troubled Steve.

He found no obvious injuries although Bucky's skin was chilled and clammy to the touch and his pulse was hammering faster than it should be.

When he looked up Bucky was watching him with guarded but slightly clearer eyes.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm here."

Bucky relaxed fractionally. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to take you home, you jerk." Steve smiled sadly.

Bucky pushed him away. "Get out of here before they find you."

"Who finds me?"

"HYDRA."

"HYDRA's not here, Bucky. You're not with them anymore. That's over. I promise."

Bucky reached up with his good arm and grasped Steve's shirt desperately, pulling him closer. "They are here." He said hoarsely. "They're trying to wipe me."

Steve took in the tension, the way Bucky's eyes seemed to be drifting again. He glanced over his shoulder a Natasha who nodded once and disappeared.

He turned back to Bucky and rubbed his arm soothingly trying to work some heat into them. "It's going to be ok, Bucky. You're not going back."

"I'm already back." Was the forlorn reply.

Steve grasped Bucky's shoulders. "Listen to me. They'll have to go through me to get you and I-." His words were cut off with a small yelp as a jolt of electricity shot through his arm.

"What the…?" He was stunned.

Bucky moaned and pulled away. Steve stared at his arm as realization dawned on him. "Your arm… Bucky your arm is shocking you. It's not HYDRA. There's something wrong with your arm, but we can fix that. It's not HYDRA."

He stood up quickly and hauled Bucky up with him. They started to make their way outside. Natasha and Sam met them on the first floor.

"No one's here, but I found Sam."

"What's going on?" Sam asked taking in the scene before him calmly. Bucky was barely standing and Steve was supporting most of his weight.

"His arm is shocking him." Steve said. "He thought he was with HYDRA."

"Flashback." Sam said grimly.

"We have to get his arm fixed."

"I'm calling Stark." Natasha said and Steve knew he couldn't argue this time.

Sam took a cautious step forward.

"Anything I can do? Bucky, man, you hanging in there."

Bucky nodded shakily.

"Do you have a coat or blanket in the car?" Steve asked hopefully. "He's cold." He looked over at Bucky who looked like he was spacing out again. Steve gave him a gentle shake. "Stay with me, man."

"K."

"Stark is sending a helicopter."

Steve hesitated. "I don't know. If has a flashback while we're in the air…" He shook his head. "It might just be safer to drive."

"It'll take a lot longer to drive and that's only that much more time he has to deal with his arm." Natasha reasoned.

Steve looked at Bucky. "You think you'll be ok?" With a rush he realized how much he missed asking Bucky's advice. When they were kids and Bucky was older it only made sense. But even during the war he'd trusted Bucky's opinion implicitly and would often run ideas by him. He bitterly missed that aspect of their friendship after Bucky had fallen from the train.

Bucky was nodding earnestly and a little desperately. "I can-I can focus. I swear."

Steve squeezed his arm and smiled.

* * *

Miraculously they made it through the ride without Bucky having another flashback, although the pilot kept shooting nervous glances toward the back. Steve was mainly focused on making sure Bucky knew he wasn't alone in this. He could see the mental anguish, not to mention physical toll the shocks were taking on his friend.

Natasha and Sam were driving up to meet them. It was decided that the less strange people surrounding Bucky, the better.

By the time they landed on the roof of Stark Tower, Bucky was just barely holding it together. It seemed like every time Bucky settled for a moment, his arm would send another jolt through him. He appeared to be using every ounce of his self-control not to lash out or run or both

Tony was waiting on the roof when the chopper landed.

"We ready?" He greeted grimly.

"Yeah." Steve was relieved and nervous. "Bucky we're here." He helped his friend out of the helicopter. "This is Tony Stark. He's going to fix your arm." Bucky nodded.

They got in the elevator to ride down. Steve could see Tony was apprehensive and he didn't blame him. Another jolt went through Bucky at the moment and he moaned and tensed.

"Easy, Bucky." Steve coaxed. "Almost there."

The Soldier was trying to stay in the moment, but every jolt reminded him of the wiping machine of HYDRA. He'd taken to constantly reminded himself. _"I'm with Steve. I'm not with HYDRA, HYDRA won't get me again."_ He was grateful for Steve's constant reassurances beside him. It helped ground him. He was terrified of what would happen if he were allowed to sink into his waking nightmare.

At the door of Tony's lab, Steve wondered how they were going to get through this. The lab looked, well, like a lab and Bucky had tensed beside him. Steve let him stand in the doorway for a moment to get his bearings, then gently attempted to propel him forward. Bucky balked and locked himself in place.

"I know, Bucky," Steve gently soothed, "but it's going to be ok. You'll be good as new in no time."

Bucky was sweating and shaking and Steve suspected it was from more than pain, but he took, slow steps forward until they were at the chair Tony had indicated.

"Tony's going to fix your arm. Can you sit down for me?" Steve asked softly. It seemed to take an eternity, but Bucky shakily eased himself down. Another jolt and Bucky snatched his arm from Steve. He attempted to get up, growling. "No, I won't let you."

Steve, very gently, held him in place. "Bucky-."

"I won't let you wipe me again!"

"It's me, Bucky. It's Steve."

Bucky's breaths had gotten shallow again and his eyes were spacing out. He pushed at Steve. Steve took hold of his chin and made Bucky face him.

"You're not with HYDRA, you're with me, Steve, and they're never going to wipe you ever again."

Bucky no longer looked angry, but confused. "What-?"

"You're with me in Tony Stark's lab. He's going to fix your arm. It's been shocking you. It won't take long I promise."

He looked to Tony for confirmation.

Tony cleared his throat. "No-uh- it won't be long. Shouldn't hurt either."

"See," Steve said turning back to Bucky, rubbing his arm, "nobody's going to hurt you."

Bucky swallowed and nodded.

Steve sat beside Bucky opposite of where Tony has settled to work and put one comforting hand on his shoulder and the other beside his wrist, touching but not holding, offering support but not restraining. He didn't want to press too hard and give Bucky the sensation of being confined. Tony popped open a plate on his arm. Another jolt and Bucky tighten his grip on the chair arm but didn't move

Tony mumbled something but Steve was too focused on Bucky to pay much attention to anything else.

Bucky looked over at Steve. "Steve?" He sounded confused and slightly dazed.

Steve squeezed his arm. "Yeah, Buck. I'm here."

"Where are we?"

"Stark's tower, he's fixing your arm."

Bucky's confusion seemed to deepen. "Howard?"

Steve saw Tony tense slightly in his peripheral, but to his credit kept working.

"Actually, it's his son, Tony. Do you…? You remember Howard?" Steve asked surprised and little cautious.

"Flying car, shield."

Steve smiled. "Yeah, we saw the flying car the night before you left for the war and Howard helped found S.H.I.E.L.D."

"No," Bucky shook his head, "your shield, he made your shield."

"That's right." Steve said quietly. "I didn't know you remembered that."

"Didn't. Till now." Bucky said almost to himself.

Tony was still mumbling to himself and if it wasn't making Bucky nervous it was Steve. Tony was working quickly and for that Steve was grateful, but the speed didn't seem to ease Bucky's mind. So Steve talked to him.

He told him some funny stories from their childhood, how Bucky had to bail him out of trouble at least once a week. Bucky would gripe and complain but Steve teased him that he really didn't mind so much because all the girls loved seeing him win a fight. He described their old neighborhood and places they used to go, when they had the money. Steve found it that talking to Bucky eased the homesickness he felt, even if Bucky didn't remember. Some day he would.

"Found it!" Tony announced triumphantly.

"Almost done, Bucky, almost done." Steve squeezed his wrist.

Tony poked around a couple of more times. "Ok that should take care of the electricity. His arm's going to require some routine maintenance at some point, but he looks like he's had all he can take right now." Tony said eyeing Bucky critically.

Steve had to agree. Bucky looked wrung out and shivery. He rubbed up and down Bucky's arm. "You're done Bucky, its finished."

Bucky untangled his arm from Steve and pressed his hand against his eyes. "Good…good, thank you." He said roughly.

Tony turned to Steve. "Floor 18 has a couple of beds and a kitchen, should have anything you need. Bruce is out," Tony said regretfully, "but maybe when he gets back, he could take look at him.

"We don't want to overstay our welcome."

Tony suddenly became preoccupied with straightening his tools. "We can talk about it later. But right now, he looks like he's out on his feet and quite frankly so do you. I don't mind if you crash here for a while. Maria, excuse me, Agent Hill, is probably want to see him at some point and she might as well come here as meet you back at the safe house. And, like I said, Bruce is coming back soon, so…"

Steve studied him. "Thanks Tony. I really appreciate it."

Steve pulled Bucky up, supporting him when he listed to the side. "Let's get you somewhere you can rest, buddy."

* * *

Tony was right; Bucky was practically dead on his feet. Steve barely had time to help him lie down and remove his shoes before he fell asleep. Steve covered him with a couple of blankets and straightened up to look around.

The room had another bed that Steve looked at longingly, but he wanted to wait for Sam and Natasha and talk to them.

When they arrived Tony showed them up then disappeared. Steve moved out into the hallway so they could talk without disturbing Bucky.

"How did it go?" Sam asked.

"Better than I thought and worse than I thought." Steve admitted.

"He space out anymore?" Natasha asked peeking into the room. A strange look crossed her face that Steve couldn't identify.

"Only a little, but he didn't hurt anybody."

Natasha nodded. "Well, I'm beat, so you boys call me if you need anything." She said suddenly and slipped away.

Sam looked after her. "What are the chances she's actually going to bed?"

Steve smiled. "I'd say slim to none."

"It's weird, she's probably has more secrets than everybody else I know combined, but…I trust her."

"I share the sentiments exactly."

"How you holding up?" Sam asked suddenly serious.

"Fine, mostly. I felt there's nothing I can do for him when he has flashbacks."

"You held it together for him, that's what he needed. That's what people need, a rock to lean on."

Steve nodded. "I guess, I just wish I could do more."

"I know." Sam said softly.

"I don't mean to keep dragging you places."

"Not dragging me anywhere. I help veterans. You two are vets, happy to be here. Stark said I could stay the night so I don't have to drive back. I'm set up a couple of floors down, so you can call if you need anything."

"I don't know what kind of mood Bucky will be in when he wakes up." Steve said worriedly.

"One day at a time, man, one crisis at a time."

"Yeah, thanks Sam, I appreciate it.

Sam smiled. "You know you're not alone in this? You got me, Natasha, Stark."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't have Stark without Nat."

"She respects you, I can tell. And I don't think Stark would have come around if he didn't respect you. People have your back, Steve. Bucky leans on you, but you can lean on us."

Steve smiled slowly. "Where'd you learn all this stuff?"

"You do not even want to know all the boring classes I had to sit through before they would let me mess with people's heads."

"I'll take your word for it."

"I'm headed downstairs I guess. Try to get some sleep while you can Steve."

"Yeah." Steve nodded absently.

"I'm serious. Call me if you need anything and I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

**I'm having a good deal of fun in this universe. I think I'll stay awhile. I have several more chapters of this story to go and I'm thinking of a sequel. I really like writing Steve and Bucky. Thank you all for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

Bruce arrived in the lab to find Tony fiddling with the helmet of his suit.

"Hey." He said, with a long exhale setting down his bag.

Tony lifted a hand in greeting, but didn't look up, preoccupied.

"How did it go?" Bruce asked, looking around. "The lab seems intact."

"Yeah, it went ok, considering." Tony shrugged.

"I thought I'd find you drinking. You killed, let's see, one, two, three bottles last time this topic was brought up." Bruce said counting on his fingers.

"Believe me I want to be, but not as much as I feel like I need to be sober at the moment. Barnes' arm still needs some work but I don't know how long it'll be before he can get back in the chair again." He said with no snark, continuing to tinker with the helmet. After a moment he gave up whatever he was doing and gave it a couple of hard shakes.

Bruce pulled up a chair and sat down heavily. "That bad, huh?"

"I think he was an inch away from completely losing it the whole time he was sitting there."

"Well, I'm glad it worked out, I'm sure Steve appreciated the help."

Tony snorted and sat the helmet down looking at Bruce accusingly. "You should have told me I was being a jackass about this."

Bruce looked unfazed and replied dryly. "I did, once or twice. Pepper told you. I think this just confirms our suspicions that you have selective hearing."

"I've never heard that."

"They key word here is selective."

"Yeah." Tony leaned against the table and closed his eyes. "You know I never ready all his HYDRA files." He commented after a moment.

"I figured that. I didn't think you would have turned Steve down if you had."

"I think I knew what was in it." He went on. "But I didn't want to see it in black and white, feel sorry for him. I wanted to hate him and that was easier when I could pretend he was a willing participant."

Bruce nodded. "I'm sorry Tony."

"Don't feel sorry for me. The guy upstairs had his brains fried."

"Yeah." Bruce said quietly. He stood up slowly grimacing as he did. "It's been a long day. I'm going to head upstairs I guess."

Tony pushed himself off the table. "I told Steve you might look his sidekick over when you got in."

"Sure, anytime."

"I was going to go up and check on them now. You want to come?"

Bruce frowned and looked at his watch. "It's kind of early."

"What time is it?"

"Four AM."

"Huh, doesn't patriotism rise with the dawn?" Bruce rolled his eyes as Tony looked toward the ceiling.

"Jarvis, is Cap up?"

"No sir, but his companion is awake and outside."

Tony and Bruce exchanged glances, and then both headed for the door of the lab

"Outside? Where?" Tony asked getting into the elevator

"Sargent Barnes is on the balcony of the 18th floor. He's been there approximately 34 minutes."

* * *

The 18th floor was quiet and dark when they arrived. Tony glanced at the bedroom before heading to the balcony. Bruce trailed behind him.

Tony slid open the door and stood in the entrance frowning at the light drizzle. Bucky was sitting in a chair with his back to the door, eerily still and soaking wet.

"Hey Barnes, want to come inside. You're getting wet." Bucky didn't respond, didn't move a muscle.

Tony sighed and stepped outside, making no attempt to be quiet. He didn't imagine Bucky would like it if he thought he was being snuck up on and Bucky flipping out would undoubtedly make Steve angry. Like he needed Cap's panties in a bunch.

He got around in front of Bucky and his frown deepened. He'd heard of a thousand year stare but this was…

Tony cleared his throat. Bucky blinked lazily, but otherwise didn't acknowledge him. Tony turned to Bruce who was still standing in the doorway looking puzzled. "Better go get Cap." Bruce nodded and left. Tony hesitated, then sat down in a chair beside Bucky.

"How's the arm." He tried and received no response. "Cap-Steve's not going to like you out here catching your death of cold. I don't think people actually die from colds anymore. I guess back in your day they did, but not now. Seriously though I don't think Steve would like…it…if…" He trailed off when he received no reaction from the man beside him.

"We'll just wait for Steve then, ok." He said quietly, lapsing into silence.

After several moments, Bucky shifted slightly beside him. Tony glanced over to see Bucky staring at him, head cocked to the side looking bewildered and lost. "Howard?"

Tony huffed a laugh despite himself. "Hardly, I'm his son, Tony."

It was clear Bucky wasn't tracking. His face drew up in guilt. "I'm sorry, Howard. I would give anything to take it back. I-." He broke off and swallowed.

Tony felt cold and he didn't know how, but he managed a small shaky smile. "It's ok," he said quietly, "don't worry about it."

"Bucky!"

Steve rushed outside and crouched in front of Bucky. "What are you doing out here?" He asked calmly like it was the most natural thing in the world to find his long lost buddy sitting out in the rain at 4 in the morning. Tony didn't know though, maybe it was.

"I don't-I don't know." Bucky looked confused again.

"Let's get you out of the rain and warmed up, ok?" Steve rubbed up and down his arms. When Bucky didn't move, didn't seem able to moved, Steve tightened his grip and pulled him up and carefully helped him back inside.

* * *

Bucky didn't seem to be entirely awake, watching everything with eyes half-mast now. He was pliant and made no attempt to help when Steve and Bruce got him into dry clothes and started piling blankets on top of him once he was back in bed. Tony reappeared with a blanket and shoved it toward Steve.

"Electric blanket." He said in answer to Steve's raised eyebrows. "It'll warm him up quick."

"Thanks" Steve said quietly, plugging it in and adding to the pile.

He and Tony stepped back while Bruce did a quick examination.

"I feel asleep. I didn't even know he was gone." Steve explained looking ashamed.

"Jarvis can wake you up if anything happens." Tony said absently. "Just tell him the parameters of the request."

"Tony, I-." A low moan from Bucky cut him off and Steve rushed to his side. Bucky was restlessly tossing and fighting against the blankets confining him, distressed sounds working from the back of his throat. "It's ok, buddy." Steve soothed. "Everything's ok, you're safe. You need to try and get some more sleep, ok." Steve eventually got him settled and he seemed to drift off.

"What do you think?" Steve asked Bruce anxiously as he straightened up.

"I doubt he was fully awake when he went outside, probably sleep walking. It didn't hurt him, he's just chilled. When he wakes up, make sure he gets some food and fluids. He needs lots of rest and to stay warm."

"Ok, got it." Steve nodded eagerly and it occurred to Tony he was like a kid with a new puppy. Eager and anxious to do everything perfect.

"There's food in the kitchen on this floor." Tony put in. "It's got the basics, but if you need something else you can go to the kitchen a few floors up. Just let Jarvis know and he can direct you." Steve nodded again.

"I think I'm going to turn in." Bruce said yawing. "Have Jarvis call me if you need anything, Steve."

"Thank you."

Tony turned to leave too when Steve caught his arm.

"Tony-." Tony looked down at where Steve was holding him and Steve let him go, suddenly looking awkward. "I'm sorry for all this. Crashing your place and…everything. I know Nat kind of talked you into this."

"Talk? Actually she snuck into my lab and scared the crap out of me." Steve smiled. Now Tony was the one looking awkward. He rubbed his hands on his jeans and didn't meet Steve's eyes for a moment. When he did Steve detected a range of emotions. Not least on the list, guilt.

"Cap," Tony started, "I'm the one who owes you an apology. I'm sorry I bailed on you when you were looking for him."

Steve was quiet for a moment. "I understand why you did." He finally said quietly. He looked back to where Bucky was sleeping. "I don't think this was easy for anybody."

"I shouldn't have blamed him." Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair, still wet from the rain. "HYDRA screwed us all, used everybody and just left a wake of destruction in its path. And I should have known that."

Steve studied him. "Tony, I don't blame you. And I really appreciate what you did for him today."

Tony snorted. "I didn't do much, but you're welcome." He suddenly stretched and yawned. "I think Banner had the right idea. I'm going to hit the sack. See you manana, Cap. Well technically it is manana…whatever, I'll see you when I see you." He waved tiredly as he went out the door.

Steve was left alone. He watched Bucky for a moment, just taking in the silence and listening to his best friend breath. He remembered when his mom first died, how the silence of the empty apartment had suffocated him. He never realized how comforting the sound of breathing was; especially when it's someone you care about. And then it was gone. First his dad, then mom, then best friend.

Bucky must had known. He'd attempted to help Steve fill the silence even when Steve insisted he needed no help. He never told Bucky how much his friendship had meant during those days. Bucky probably knew that too though. And then, suddenly, there was no more time to tell him anything ever again. Steve's chest hurt just thinking about those days. But fate had given him another chance and he would take it this time around.

Steve looked up. "Jarvis?" He asked quietly with uncertainty.

"Yes, Captain Rogers." The clear voice greeted him.

"Would you wake me up when Bucky wakes up?"

"Yes, sir."

"Thank you." Steve felt a little silly talking to the air, but he's seen Tony do it many times.

"My pleasure."

Steve walked softly to the bed where Bucky appeared to be sleeping peacefully. He patted the blanketed shoulder and let his hand rest there for a moment.

"I'm glad you made it out, Bucky." He said softly.

He switched off the lamp and lay down in the next bed, falling asleep to the sound of breathing.

* * *

**My estimate is one more chapter and an epilogue. Fun times. I appreciate all those taking the time to read. I hope the story had been enjoyable for you.**


	17. Chapter 17

**I bet I rewrote this chapter 20 times, it was very difficult for me to get the right mood. So if you're unhappy with how it turned out, just know in one of the previous 19 edits there may have been one you would have liked. :)  
**

* * *

The Soldier came back to consciousness slowly. He could tell he was weak, drained, though he couldn't identify any major injures. His thoughts were sluggish and his mind couldn't piece together where he was or what he was supposed to be doing. Vague images floated though his head, only serving to confuse him more. He tried to assess the situation without moving or giving away that he was awake. The only sound he could clearly identify was someone breathing to his right. He opened his eyes a crack and turned his head slightly toward the noise.

"Sargent Barnes is awake, Captain." A robotic voice announced. That brought the Soldier to full consciousness and he sat up quickly to calculate his escape, unsure of what this new development meant.

Just as quickly Captain America, Steve, appeared at his side.

"Hey, hey," Steve didn't touch him but help his hands up calmly, "take it easy. Everything's ok. You're safe."

Bucky stared at him for what seemed like ages while he got his breathing under control and his tight muscles slowly unwound. "Where are we?" He asked after a while, his voice rough and strained.

"Tony Stark's tower. I guess whatever HYDRA did to your arm the night they attacked caused a short in the wiring. It was shocking you. Tony fixed it."

Bucky didn't say anything so Steve continued, rambling.

_"He does that when he's nervous_." The thought floated though the soldier's head, though he didn't know where it came from.

"While S.H.I.E.L.D. was out looking for you they found a lead on the other HYDRA agent. So that's good news." He said looking hopeful as if finding HYDRA would automatically fix everything.

Bucky continued to stare at him blankly and Steve's face fell a little.

"Bucky" He started hesitantly, like he didn't want to know the answer. "Do you…do you remember me?"

Bucky nodded, his mind too awhirl to give any other response. Steve looked relieved.

"Do you remember the past week?" He asked.

"A little." Relief changed to concern.

"It's ok. That's ok." Steve said softly and Bucky wasn't sure which one of them he was talking to. That was fine, he didn't know what to say anyway. He leaned back against the bed and shut his eyes as overwhelming exhaustion threatened to take him over. He sensed Steve pull away slightly, giving him space.

He did remember some. Not a lot of details, but the general idea. He settled back further and let the pieces of the past week slowly fall into place. With S.H.I.E.L.D., then with Steve in the safe house. There was a dark-skinned man and a red headed woman. HYDRA came. He frowned. Then…he shivered involuntarily, feeling phantom electricity race though his veins. It felt like every nerve was on fire, like he couldn't get enough air. Then when it was over he would be heaving, covered in a cold sweat and shivering. But worst of all was the emptiness of his mind. Those terrifying moments when he knew nothing. HYDRA was always quick to take advantage of their blank canvas and fill the void with what they wanted.

_"I'm not with HYDRA. _I'm…tower…Tony Stark. His mind supplied, that's what Steve had said. He dredged up the image of a ghost. He frowned, that couldn't be right, ghosts weren't real, but Tony reminded him of…

It was strange how that one thought was like the last stone holding the dam back. Once it was clear a whole new flood of memories assaulted his senses. It wasn't everything, he knew it wasn't everything, there was still so much missing, but it was a lot and almost too much for him to bear.

His eyes flew open amid the torrent. Steve leaned forward with a worried expression.

"What's wrong?"

Bucky's mouth opened and shut, trying to get his bearings once again.

"Bucky?"

"I remembered…something." He said quietly.

"Remembered what?" Steve asked apprehensively

"Stark…Howard." He grimaced as he said it. "I killed him."

Steve's face fell and he swallowed. "I know."

Bucky stared at him. "And you brought me to his son's house so he would help me."

Steve winced. "It's not your fault and Tony knows that."

Bucky deflated, slumping against the headboard. "What am I going to do?" He asked, almost to himself.

Steve looked at him compassionately. "One day at a time, Buck." After a pause Steve stood up. "You need to eat something. You want to come to the kitchen with me or stay here?" He knew Bucky preferred to see his food prepared.

Bucky shook his head. "I don't think I'm going to be able to eat." Dread and guilt had settled in the pit of his stomach. There wouldn't be room for much else.

Steve sighed and sat back down. "First of all, you have to eat. Second, that wasn't you." Steve ignored Bucky's snort. "That was HYDRA. That's over."

Bucky shook his head. Steve saw the haunted look in his eyes before they closed. "It's never over."

Bucky hated memories of the torture HYDRA put him through, but by far the worst memories were the killings they had bade him to do. He had no idea how he had done it so effortlessly before. He didn't remember them all but he knew they were there. There must be a dozen people whose lives he ended. A thought occurred to him. Steve was still watching him like he was afraid he would break.

"You said you know what I've done, you read it, with…S.H.I.E.L.D.?" He asked.

"They were HYDRA files." Steve said hesitantly, not knowing where this was going, but having a bad feeling about it none the less.

"I want to know who; I want to know the names of the people I killed." He declared.

"No!" It slipped from his lips before he could find a more diplomatic way to put it. Bucky looked angry, so Steve tried differently. "I mean I don't think it's a good idea right now."

Bucky's frown deepened and he didn't look like he would be giving it up. Steve wasn't sure of a lot right now but one thing he did know for sure was it would be the absolute worst idea in the world for Bucky to see that list, right now…or ever.

"I want to know." He growled.

"It won't help." Steve gentled his voice. "Please trust me, Bucky. You can one day, we will, but… Let's get you through this right now ok?"

Bucky suddenly couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't deserve compassion or mercy or gentleness from anyone. He got out of bed and stood on shaky legs, pulling away from Steve when he reached to steady him.

"Bucky-."

"No! I don't need help." Bucky wouldn't look at Steve and was shaking as he pulled further away. "I don't need anyone."

"There's nothing wrong with needing help. You helped me all the time when we were kids. Got me through hard times. We're just getting you through a hard time right now."

"I can't be the person I was, Steve. I told you that. I can't-I can't tell you how sorry I am." Steve could believe it given how completely miserable Bucky looked at the moment, "But I can't ever be him again. I appreciate that you didn't kill me when you had the chance and I know you've vouched for me with S.H.I.E.L.D., but," his arms and shoulders raised in a helpless shrug, "Bucky's gone. I'm sorry."

The silence was heavy between them. Steve was kicking himself. He'd pushed too hard for things to be the way they were. He never meant to make Bucky feel like he had to change, or be the person he was, or be anything.

Steve took a deep breath, struggling for the words to say. He couldn't believe how hard this was. He'd never had trouble talking to Bucky. Bucky…who had been put through years of unimaginable horrors to make him the person he was today. A different person than Steve knew at one time. That didn't matter to Steve and but maybe it mattered to Bucky. Maybe Bucky didn't want to be suffocated by an old friend. Having someone around constantly to remind him of his past and what he'd lost.

He stepped a little closer to Bucky, not enough to crowd him.

"I didn't look for you to force you to be the same person you were, I hoped we could still be friends, but I went looking for you because you're a good person who deserved to be saved. You don't owe anyone anything, not even me. When S.H.I.E.L.D. clears you, if you want to leave, you can leave. I won't stop you." Saying those words almost physically hurt. But he owed it to Bucky; he needed to do this, needed Bucky to know he wasn't beholden to anyone anymore. He didn't have to be the person he was.

Bucky had gone still and Steve couldn't read his face.

"We don't-." Steve swallowed. "We don't even have to be friends…if that's not what you want. You're welcome to stay with me or get your own place or you could go your own way if you want. If you never want to see me again, that's fine too." Bucky felt his stomach turn flips. That wasn't what he wanted. He had strangely enjoyed the last few days with the Captain. Not all of it, but being with Steve was easy and comfortable. He didn't say that though, he stayed silent while Steve continued.

"I don't want you to ever feel like prisoner with me or like you don't have a choice." Steve finished sincerely.

He never felt like a prisoner with Steve. He felt like more of a person with Steve than he had ever remembered feeling, with anyone. Steve looked like it was killing him to say those words which made Bucky appreciate them all the more.

"You really need to eat something." Steve said suddenly. "Tony said we could use the kitchen on this floor. I'll…just go see what I can fix." He said it casually but his eyes betrayed him.

After Steve was gone the room felt oppressively silent. Bucky sat down heavily, not realizing how weak he was, like all the energy drained out to the room with Steve.

Bucky did want to be his friend, he didn't deserve to, but he wanted to. Steve would really be better off without him though, he was dragging him down. It would be a kindness to let him go.

Unbidden, memories of Steve appeared from the past week. How caring and patient he was, how worried when Bucky had a nightmare or was upset, the rock he had been when Bucky couldn't think straight through the electricity running up his arm.

Bucky didn't understand. Steve had friends. Sam, Natasha, even Stark allowed Steve to bring Bucky to him even after what he had done. S.H.I.E.L.D. respected him. Bucky didn't think Steve knew how lucky he was.

But he also remembered Steve sitting with him on the kitchen floor telling him how difficult it was to be one of the few of their generation alive, how out of place he felt. His time spent with Steve over the week betrayed a man who was struggling to find his purpose in an age where he felt like a relic.

At the time Bucky was suspicious that Steve's confessions were nothing more than an attempt to gain his confidence, and then exploit it. Eventually though and especially in hindsight it appeared Steve was falling back on an old habit of confiding in a friend. He talked like he hadn't had anyone to really listen in years.

Maybe, just maybe Steve needed Bucky too.

Maybe Bucky was the lucky one. Steve had searched for him even after he put 3 bullets in him. He'd negotiated with S.H.I.E.L.D. for his release, put up with his moods and nightmares for a week and after all that only seemed to want the Soldier's friendship. Bucky didn't have much but he had that and he could build on that.

He stood slowly, weak knees and almost had to sit back down again to quell the dizziness. He would talk to Steve, they could talk this out instead of Bucky siting like a lump on a log while Steve poured his heart out and Bucky said nothing.

He wasn't sure where to go once he left the room, but Steve had said there was a kitchen on this floor. Bright lights and the clattering of pots gave Steve's position away fairly quickly. Steve was leaning over something on the stove looking puzzled. He whipped around and relaxed when he saw it was Bucky. His expression shifted from guarded to concerned.

"Bucky, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, I just…I was…"

"Here," Steve pulled out a chair at the counter, "sit down while I cook, or try to cook." He gave Bucky a small smile.

Bucky sat down and Steve hesitantly took a step back and turned to the stove. The silence was full and Bucky knew he was the cause, but he also knew how to end it.

"Steve."

Steve looked over his shoulder.

"Yeah, Buck?"

Bucky stared at his hand. "I do want to be friends." He said quietly.

"Really?" Steve looked hopeful, as though if Bucky said no, it would crush him. "I don't want you to feel like you have to."

"I know and I don't. I just-. I'm sorry for what I said about not being your friend. God knows you done more for me than anyone ever would have. It just, I can't be…him. I know you said it doesn't matter, but it matters to me." He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Too much has happened to go back though."

He heard Steve move around the counter till he was beside him and it didn't surprise him when he felt him squeeze his shoulder.

"You don't have to be the same Bucky, you don't have to be anything like him. I hope I never made you feel that way. I don't have to call you Bucky even if that's too strange for you. If that makes you feel like I want you to be different, I can call you something else."

"Bucky's…fine."

Steve looked relieved. "We can figure out the rest." Steve gave his shoulder another squeeze.

Bucky fiddled with his hands.

"Something else you want to talk about?" Steve questioned gently.

"I think…" He paused while Steve waited patiently. "I'm not happy I admit it, I don't know if I'll ever be happy. I don't know if I can ever get this blood off my hands or stop feeling guilty about it." He scrubbed a hand across his mouth. "You said, I could help you, help people. Do some good instead of bad. I want to do that. I think that would help more than anything right now."

Steve smiled. "We can do that. We can definitely do that."

Bucky felt a lightness he hadn't before and Steve looked light a weight had been removed from him. With one last smile Steve moved to the cabinet and grabbed two bowls. He stirred whatever was in the pot one last time before beginning to spoon it in to the bowls.

Bucky watched but his thoughts were elsewhere. He knew readjusting to life without HYDRA wouldn't be easy, but nothing was ever easy. At least he would have someone to lighten the load. And maybe one day he would be Bucky again.

* * *

Last chapter before the epilogue. Thanks so much for taking the time to read!


	18. Epilogue

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for those of you who have made it this far. I hope you've enjoyed the story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. And I'm crossing my fingers that the ending meets your expectations.**

**I've decided I am going to write a collection of tag stories after this. These one-shots will all be related to the story. They will be more in-depth looks at events in the epilogue, missing scenes and conversations with the other Avengers and Bucky. I would also like to write a sequel but the tag story will come first.**

**Enjoy!**

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It had been 6 months since Steve found his friend and it had been an adventure. Bucky still struggled and while Steve tried all he could think of to help, sometimes the only thing he could do was ride out the storm with him. It hurt that he couldn't help his friend more than that, but Bucky was doing worlds better and that eased some of the anguish.

They'd stayed in Tony's tower for a several days after Bucky's arm had been fixed and S.H.I.E.L.D. cleared Bucky. Steve and Bucky talked and they decided to go back to Steve's apartment. It wasn't a terrible idea, but it wasn't one of the better ones.

Bucky hated the apartment the moment he stepped in it. What some would call cozy he felt confined and hemmed in. He knew he should be grateful to Steve for all he'd done, and he was, which is why when Steve asked if he liked it, he said yes. This was Steve's home and after all the trouble he'd caused he wasn't going to uproot Steve from a place he felt comfortable.

It was so loud everywhere. The people upstairs stomped around, the neighbors that shared the wall of his bedroom seemed to be constantly yelling and somewhere on this floor there was a baby that cried all though the night. After the first week, Bucky's nerves were frayed and he felt like bolting.

Which was another problem. His exits were extremely limited. One door exiting the apartment. Three windows. 1 in each bedroom and one in the living room. Only two of those would be practical and only one afforded exit to the ground 5 stories below. The roof was a popular place for tenant of the building to go so it was usually very crowded, not ideal for an escape.

Leaving the apartment the conventional way subjected him to glances and outright stares form the building tenants. His metal arm was always covered, but he still hadn't gotten the nightmares under control and if the looks he received were any indication, he probably made more noise than the baby. He might be the reason the baby was always crying. He heard someone comment that the new tenant had a "half-wild" look in his eye and realized they were talking about him.

He still didn't say anything to Steve. Steve would ask if the noise bothered Bucky or if he'd rather be somewhere quiet. Bucky always told him he was fine.

Eventually even his iron will couldn't prevent the panic attack that gripped him. One afternoon Steve was taking a shower and Bucky was sitting on the couch trying to breath. Upstairs there were at least 5 times as many footsteps as usual. Loud music rocked the ceiling. He gritted his teeth. The baby was crying again. Loud wails that penetrated the walls.

He went back to his room, hoping it would be better there. It wasn't. The yelling seemed to go on and on and wouldn't stop. The roaring in Bucky's ears wouldn't stop either.

He tried some of the breathing exercises Sam taught him, tried to tell himself it was ok, recognized the symptoms as a panic attack but nothing helped. He ended up going to the roof, barely stopping himself from jumping to the next building and running. There were two couple he could see and maybe more he couldn't, but he ignored them and when they saw him they quickly left. Bucky wedged himself in the furthest corner and sank down, thankful for the silence. Or as silent as a city could be.

That's where Steve found him. He didn't know how, but Steve always knew.

He approached Bucky calmly and sat down beside him, shoulders barley touching. They sat like that for a long time and it helped because Bucky could focus on Steve's calm and steady breathing instead of his own, irregular and panting.

"You don't like the apartment do you?" Steve asked quietly.

Steve started looking for a house that night with Bucky leaning over his shoulder curiously to see the computer screen.

They found one. It was in a quiet neighborhood, fairly close to DC. The house wasn't too close to others and a tall fence offered some privacy. It was bigger than the apartment and had a sun room. Steve wasn't sure Bucky would like a room that provided the outside with that much visibility but he camped out immediately claiming it offered him a panoramic view of any threats. Steve believed that until he walked out one day to find Bucky sound asleep, curled up in his chair like a cat. It became Bucky's favorite room in the house and Steve wondered if it was because he'd never had a chance to enjoy just soaking in the sun while with HYDRA.

* * *

Bucky's progress was steadily improving though he still had days when it seemed like he was going backward instead of forward. Those days knocked Bucky low and Steve did everything in his power to show him all the good that was happening.

He still didn't sleep well, the nightmares were getting slightly less intense, but they were still enough to keep him awake for hours. Bucky didn't like Steve feeling like he had to get up with him. Just because he couldn't sleep didn't mean Steve should be awake too. Steve flatly told he wasn't letting Bucky go through this alone anymore; they could both sleep during the day if they needed.

New memories returned often. Bucky could remember a good deal of his childhood now. Sometimes he would only get pieces and pictures and he would ask Steve for the context. Steve filled in the blanks and Bucky held onto them life a lifeline. Unfortunately the nightmares brought memories too. At least they weren't close enough to any neighbors to worry about waking anyone. But Steve worried about the toll it was taking on Bucky when he woke up pale and shaking, but refusing to talk about it.

A few weeks after they got settle Steve found a relatively easy two-man mission for the two of them to tackle. It went well, so they kept picking them up. Steve thought it was helping, he hoped it was. It seemed like it was doing Bucky good to learn to trust again and fight for good. They did most jobs on their own, especially at first when Bucky was leery of anyone but Steve and sometime Sam. A few times they called in back up, usually Sam or Natasha, who Bucky trusted the most after Steve, but occasionally Tony or Clint. Steve sometimes wondered if he was doing the right thing. Bucky was a rock during the fight but he would always need a couple of hours after the fight to come back down and lose the dead look in his eyes. But Bucky insisted he wanted and needed to keep going. Steve trusted him implicitly to watch his back and Bucky had not let him down yet. It was so natural to fall back on that trust Steve wondered how he ever went without it.

It certainly seemed to ease the boredom. They didn't really have a lot to do. Neither of them had regular jobs. Steve had back pay from the military and S.H.I.E.L.D. ensured he was compensated for the work he did for them.

Steve drew a lot, because he liked it but mostly because it was something Bucky seemed interested in. Steve would take his sketch pad out in the sunroom and sit with Bucky, occasionally turning the pad around to show him. He would draw scenes form their childhood or during the war and Bucky would study them, scrunching his eyes in concentration, like he could will himself to remember. They also visited the library frequently. This version of Bucky liked to read more than the Bucky Steve had grown up with. Bucky had always been smart but preferred hands-on learning. And there was a lot to learn. Bucky was still trying to catch up on events since he fell. Teaching Bucky about the world gave him a purpose, before he found Bucky Steve felt like he'd been floundering. And it was fun learning new things with a friend by his side.

Sam was a frequent visitor. His gentle nature seemed to soothe some of the uneasy and restlessness in Bucky. He eventually suggested a professional counselor to help Bucky, apologetically explaining that he wasn't really equipped to offer as much help as Bucky would need. Bucky didn't like the idea but went along with it for several weeks. They tried several counselors that didn't work out. The last one told Steve trust was important and it was clear Bucky didn't give trust easily. Bucky was miserable and Steve didn't have the heart to make him go through anymore. Sam was still unsure of going it alone without professional help but promised to assist as much as he could. Bucky didn't even try to hide his relief.

Bucky's acceptance of Natasha came quicker than Steve expected. Natasha stopped by to see them while they were still staying at Tony. She asked Steve if she could talk to Bucky alone. Reluctantly and only after Bucky assured him it would be fine, though his eyes didn't necessarily agree, Steve left the two of them in the kitchen over breakfast. He still didn't know what they talked about, but Bucky seemed calmer when she left. Natasha gave them both a smile and Steve a quick peck on the cheek, telling them to call if they needed her. Natasha would call from time to time and ask about Bucky, stopping to visit when she was in the city. She seemed to understand a part of him that Steve guessed he never would. And it saddened him to think of what they must have gone through to get to that point.

There hadn't been an occasion for him to meet Thor and while Bucky got along well enough with Clint and Bruce, he was still guarded around most people.

Tony was a bit of a challenge. Bucky still harbored a lot of guilt and didn't feel comfortable around the younger Stark. Tony was much less snarky with Bucky than with others, but what little did come out seemed to throw Bucky off guard. Steve knew Tony was trying to curb his humor around Bucky and he appreciated the apparently herculean effort it was taking. Goodness knows Tony annoyed him as much as anyone but Steve knew he had a good heart.

They hadn't found the other HYDRA agent, but the agent in custody revealed who had sent them and it was only a matter of time before S.H.I.E.L.D. toppled the last remaining strongholds. Steve was trying to keep Bucky out of that fight. He didn't want Bucky to have to relieve the hell he'd gone through with HYDRA or give them another chance to try and snatch him. It was really the main source of disagreement between the two. Bucky wanted to help S.H.I.E.L.D. snuff out he last traces. After weeks of the two arguing they both finally came, grudgingly, to a deal and a timetable; they would join S.H.I.E.L.D. in the fight exactly a year from the date Bucky was found.

All in all, things were better than they had been in a while.

* * *

Bucky was sitting on the couch in the sun room, watching the birds splash in a puddle outside. It was beautiful outside, he was warm and full and…happy.

"_Why do I deserve to be happy_," he thought bitterly, "_so many people are dead because of me."_

"Penny for your thoughts." He looked up at Steve smiling down at him and grunted in response. Steve took a seat and leaned back, sighing.

"I'm stuffed."

"I would think so. You ate most of the dinner yourself." He said it with more bite than he intended.

Steve sat up looking concerned. "What's wrong?"

Damn Steve knew every tone of his voice and what it meant these days. Bucky sighed. "I shouldn't be this happy."

"Why not?" Bless the man. He was genuinely puzzled.

"I don't deserve it."

Steve grew serious. "Bucky, you deserve it more than anyone I know."

Bucky sighed again and looked out the window. He would never be able to make Steve see. Steve scooted closer, his eyes compassionate. Bucky looked away.

"Bucky, you can't feel guilty about things you had no control over."

He snorted. "You're kidding right?"

Steve looked offended. "No."

"This coming from the guy who brooded for over a week after that job in St. Louis?"

Steve frowned, knowing exactly what he was talking about. A mission they were on that went wrong, resulting in two deaths.

"It's different."

"It isn't at all. You weren't in control. You couldn't do anything but you still feel guilty about it. Take that guilt and times mine by 20! You can't let your mistakes go, how the hell and I supposed to?"

Steve was silent, thoughtful. Bucky let out long exhale and went back to watching the birds. He heard Steve get up and leave the room. _Great, another thing to feel guilty for._ He hated snapping at Steve. Steve who he literally owed everything. He thought about going after him but didn't know what to say. He'd meant what he…meant, just not in the tone he used or exact words he said.

Steve returned though and Bucky looked up in surprise. He was holding two bowls and held one out to Bucky. It was filled with ice cream and covered in chocolate sauce. Bucky stared at it and then back up at Steve who gave him a crooked smile.

"Since I ate all your dinner."

Bucky huffed a laugh and took the bowl. He liked to laugh; he remembered a little how it used to be when he was young, before the war. Laughing with Steve, with his family, with the Howling Commandos.

"I guess it's just human nature." Steve said, swirling the ice cream with his spoon. " We want to control things even when we can't and I'm as guilty as the next guy." He gave Bucky a watery smile which Bucky tentatively returned.

"I just wish…" Bucky shook his head, frustrated. "I just wish it was different, I wish I could leave this all behind."

"I know."

"You think it'll get better?"

"I think it has, Bucky. You may not see it but I do. Sam does. Natasha said the other day how much different you seemed. I think you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Instead of judging each day how it's going, look at the sum. The sum is impressive, even if the days are hard."

"One day at a time." Bucky said softly, reciting the motto he lived with now. Steve smiled. Bucky leaned back and looked out the window at the fading sun as he and Steve ate their dessert in comfortable silence.

The End

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**Again thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. A writer is nothing without readers and I so appreciate you all! God bless!**

**I'm marking this story complete but when I start the tags I will come back and update this authors note with the link. :)**

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**Update: Here is the link for the tag story. I've just started. It probably won't be updated as regularly as this story but I have a few ideas in mind so it shouldn't be terribly long between updates.  
**

** s/11190706/1/Healing-Continued**


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